Posted by loswhit in Deep Stuff

When I walked out of the bedroom, down the hallway, and into the living room, there she was.
Face down on the ground.
Palms facing towards the sky.
“I really don’t have time for this” I thought to myself.
But how was I supposed to see my wife facedown before the Lord and not, myself, do the same?
So down I went.
And it wasn’t even 45 seconds.
But this is what I prayed…
“God. I’m overwhelmed. Like seriously overwhelmed. I’m not in control anymore. Please be in control. I give up.”
I stood up, kissed the fam, walked out the door, and drove to the gas station.
There was nothing about my pump partner that screamed racist.
It was a Nissan Pathfinder not a Ford F150.
But I could literally FEEL him staring a hole through the back of my neck.
It’s funny.
I don’t know what it is, but, I can just TELL when someone is hating on my pigment.
And I could tell.
Finally, after 45 seconds I turned around and looked at him.
He was still staring.
I wanted to say “WHAT?!” but simply smiled and looked back down.
A few seconds later he got in his truck, rolled forward a few feet, rolled down his window and…
“Go Home !#$@ Nigger”
It wasn’t even a yell. A scream. Which caught me off guard.
When this has happened before it was more of an announcement to the world of the individuals ignorance.
This was different.
If he could have whispered it he would have.
It was just for me.
In .5 seconds he peeled out.
In 1.5 seconds I was right behind him driving east on 40.
What was I planning on doing?
I have no idea.
All I could think about was just one good punch in the face.
I probably gave pursuit for 30 seconds.
30 seconds of self dripping, anger filled pursuit.
Then, almost audibly…
“You got on your face this morning and told me I am in control, yet here you are trying to be in control…”
And I eased off the gas.
My heart was racing.
I had to take a hit off my inhaler.

Today alone…
I have 3 chapters due to my editor for the book I think is going to not only wreck your lives in a fantastic way, but the lives of millions of unsuspecting Ragamuffins.
I have meetings with Discovery Show producers on something that could change my life.
I have a worship leading livestream tonight where I’m praying to encourage hundreds of worshippers.
And I’m chasing an ignorant, small minded, small you know what, idiot.

So today, whatever is thrown your way, remember…
Jesus gets back up on Sunday.
We win.
Eyes gazing at God while glancing at life…
Los

 

  • Tim

    How often we try to take control. Funny isn’t it that we think we are better off in control then He is. I have tried to control so much in my life and it’s good to be reminded that in the end it’s better to let go and let God then to try to do it on our own. He is Risen! He is Risen indeed! Thanks Los for a great reminder

  • http://twitter.com/LoserJosh Josh Is A Loser

    Hey man, letting OFF the gas made you a badass. Ignorance is frustrating, but God can handle it. We win. And, you are a beautiful chocolate man. (OK, in my defense, that makes WAY more sense if you’ve seen the movie “White Chicks”….if you haven’t, my bad). lol

    • http://twitter.com/BigHarryDaddy Namyrrah Yalc

      I agree. In high school, a guy jumped on my back and started swinging. I kept on walking, without giving him the slightest attention. In truth, I was scared of the guy – I knew he could beat the living crap outta me. But some other guys pulled him off of me. At the ten-year reunion, he told me, “That day, I developed more respect for you than for anyone I ever fought.”

  • Scott Hobbs

    Man, I needed this encouragement today. Thanks Los

  • Candi

    I love you. :) Thanks for the reminders of the rampant stupidity we see all around us… and the different, less obvious, stupidity in us. You’re right. We win. That’s something to sink into on days like today.

  • Heather

    Wow. Thanks for sharing that. Got a lot on my plate today. Babysitting screaming teething baby, it’s 1230 I’m still in my robe and yesterday’s clothes, haven’t made lunch for my kids yet, still need to homeschool them and clean the house. And my husband just popped home for a visit.
    Great reminder that I don’t have to try and control my situation today, thank you

  • Jazz

    Yah … that’s painful and shocking (like being unexpectedly hit by a taser!) when that happens out of the blue like that. I’m glad you didn’t engage him…I definitely relate to the urge to chase him down and fill in the blanks!

    On a side note…personally curious as to why the “curse” words were x-d out but not the “n” word. Shock effect, maybe? Maybe not…maybe so we could understand the significance of the moment? While I was reading your post, I felt like I was “tasered” right along with you and needed a hit off the inhaler to recover, too! But, I’m ok now…wooosaaaaah! lol…..

    Thanks for this and many thought provoking posts

  • Lindsey

    Los, I’m praying for your family this week. Blessings.

  • Guest

    aren’t you a beaner? what a loser, can’t even get his hate right.

    much love to you Los, when you are doing Big things the enemy turns it up a notch. Praying for you and yours today. Thank you Lord for the Win we have in You.

    • http://belovedaimees.blogspot.com BelovedAimee

      Hey Los. I wanted to delete this comment. I hoped you would catch my
      sarcasm but then felt caught in my spirit that I even used the word. It
      doesn’t matter …sarcasm aside, you can’t fight ignorance with
      ignorance. Kind of funny how this drives home the point that you can’t
      take back your words once you’ve said them(not being able to
      delete…just being put in as guest)

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=598046238 Brendt Wayne Waters

        Aimee, FWIW, I read it as the sarcasm you intended, making further fun of the guy’s ignorance.

        To be honest, I can’t speak for how others would take it — my profile pic is sepia-toned to cut down on monitor glare — but that’s just my USD0.02

      • ragamuffinsoul

        The second you commented I got the same text from a friend. Youa re fine. :)

  • http://twitter.com/katdish Kathy Richards

    Man. I live in South Texas and grew up in the south. I’ve grown up around racism and I’m still astounded that there are those who are so blatant about it. Nowadays, it’s typically more more subversive. I’m really sorry that happened to you. That sucks. But you’re so right–Jesus gets back up on Sunday.

  • http://twitter.com/SusanLPreece SusanLPreece

    I’ve been a “follower” for several years. Most of the time I can’t keep up and months later I dig in again to find out what is going on. But today I am reminded I need to dig in to God every day…..every hour. He will constantly guide us and keep us from going astray. And boy can I stray. Keep your focus Carlos, God has amazing things in store for you! And I pray for that stranger…because if he doesn’t find some Peace, then he’s going to miss out on some amazing things! Godspeed.

  • http://www.facebook.com/tina.kurtzthruston Tina Kurtz Thruston

    Speechless. May God reign everytime, Carlos.

  • Amber

    Love you friend.

    • ragamuffinsoul

      Love you more.

  • Dale Aceron

    Thanks for the post Carlos. I’m currently chasing a few things in my life right now too that are empty and have no meaning to me and my family. Letting go of the gas is definitely the first step.

  • Alisha

    the phrase that smacked me “WE WIN”! I am very very bad with being in control I am always the one offering God the chair but managing to squeeze my butt on most of it!! I am so encouraged by you and like someone before said, You must be doing something amazing because the enemy is turning it up a notch! Keep moving forward because you are making a difference and I am honored to listen!

    • Jennifer Z

      Alisha, I love this ” I am always the one offering God the chair but managing to squeeze my butt on most of it!” – I can relate and it cracked me up.

  • http://twitter.com/thejonathanf Jonathan Foster

    Bro, I can’t WAIT for the day when these stories don’t exist anymore. Until then, let us all follow your (and Jesus’) example and surrender to God. Blessings on you and your family. Keep up the good work.

  • http://twitter.com/ryanguard Ryan Guard

    I had to break up a fight between a middle-aged white man and a Native American at a gas station a few years ago. “Go home you $&$##@! illegal!”, the white man shouted at the other man, who was here first.

    Meakness isnt’ weakness brotha! Thanks for hitting the brakes instead of his face.

  • http://ayearinthespirituallife.blogspot.com/ Dayna Renee Hackett Bickham

    WOW!

  • Lauren S

    As much as I respect you letting him go the fact that you still maintain this man is “an ignorant, small minded, small you know what, idiot.” is kind of shocking as a worship leader. Yes he was wrong to say what he said, but we all sin, and all sin in God’s eyes is equal. Maybe rather than saying “oh i’ll just ignore him and go and serve the millions who follow my blog and love God” you shouldn’t put him down as if he ruined your day and start realising God is the only judge and you shouldn’t be judging this man and calling him names, no more than he should you. Surely we should pray and love everyone as we ALL need forgiveness. None of us need more forgiveness than others. He sinned, I sinned today, you sinned today, everyone on earth sinned today, and we all need God’s forgiveness the same.

    • Lindsey

      Los’ honesty glorifies God and shows just how beautiful Jesus’ forgiveness is. Your attempt to belittle what he went through does neither.

      • http://www.facebook.com/mikedurb Michael Durbin

        Well said Lindsey.

    • Village Parson

      It’s raw to be sure. We who serve the church are works of imperfection moving on to Christian perfection. It is refreshing to see a servant struggle – and be honest about it. Maybe, just maybe, God is not finished with us….

    • http://www.facebook.com/mikedurb Michael Durbin

      I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that you’re not black? Or gay? Or… yeah, you get the point. But if you don’t, I wonder how you would feel in your heart if the same thing happened to you, but the guy called you a bitch. Or even worse… the dreaded “C” word? Would you be smiling and saying “Jesus loves you, sir!” Swear you wouldn’t call your husband immediately and tell him what this “jerk” just said to you. Im sure you’ll say you can’t imagine calling one of God’s precious children a jerk. In which case I might put it a different way. What if he said it to your mother, or better yet… your daughter? Maybe, just maybe, Im wrong. And you really are super saved enough to let it go without as much as a second thought. However, if you even entertain an ounce of anger at any one of these scenarios, you’re no different than Carlos. Or myself for that matter. Except for the fact that you ignore the lesson in all of this. That Carlos shared the lesson he is “learning” through this experience. It bothers you that he’s still learning, and that he hasn’t yet “learned”. But you want to teach him by belittling him and telling him what he should, or shouldn’t do. Which makes you EXACTLY what you dislike about Carlos. A person who judges another persons words based on the fact that you (and Carlos) disagree with what they said. There’s a lesson to be learned in all of this, and that is we need to get over ourselves. Some of us have learned it already. But you, Carlos and I are obviously still freshmen in this area. You know what that means? Were human… Think about it.

    • Stacy Littlejohn

      Wow there was so much irony in reading your judgements about Los’s judgements.

      • http://www.facebook.com/mikedurb Michael Durbin

        Boom!

    • patriciamc

      Los didn’t need to tell his story. He could have just mouthed some pretty, Christianese words designed to impress other Christians. Instead, he told of his real, human reaction and showed how God helped him overcome. I’ll take that over holier-than-thou any day.

    • http://www.facebook.com/JoHnY05 Justin Davis

      love doesn’t not mean an absence of judgment. just as there are right and wrong ways to love, there are also right and wrong ways to judge, and one can, in Christ, judge lovingly. not saying that’s what Los did but I think that needed clarification because of your statement. i would also point out that anger is not a sin. we are told to be Slow to anger, not never angry. Los’s tongue in cheek statement does little more than to express how he felt/feels about the incident.

  • http://www.bnpositive.com/blog Jason Bean
  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=598046238 Brendt Wayne Waters

    Most racists conflate outward appearance with inner character (not that that’s ALL that’s wrong in their thinking — just making an observation). Keeping with that silly theme, it’s amusing to note that one of the most *transparent* people I know is of a somewhat darker complexion. :)

    Thanks for sharing not only what God shows you, Carlos, but the stumble that led up to the lesson.

  • http://www.facebook.com/skinnyg George Martinez

    I believe we have every right to get Angry. Ephesians 4:26-27. God commands us to get angry but do not sin. I’m glad you heard his voice at that moment. Who knows what would’ve happened if you would have kept going. There are thing we don’t get angry enough about.. Human Trafficking, Hunger, Poverty… but that dude that needed to stare you down, get into car and then peel out after saying what he said is a coward. But more importantly he needs Jesus.

  • http://twitter.com/AaronMatthews Aaron Matthews

    Los, you always stretch and encourage me and this is no exception. Something about knowing this took place in MY home – MY state made it sting all the more. I was angry! I wanted to chase. And then I realized I needed to get on my face before our Savior. He gets up from death. Thank you bro!

  • http://www.facebook.com/randy.richardson3 Randy Richardson

    Much props to you Los! We all have human moments like that where we want to just smack a punk cause well; that’s what we are…human. I appreciate the fact that you share these things with us because for me; it’s an encouragement. Someone out there goes through struggles too. Not saying I understand the struggle behind racial issues; I can’t even fathom that. You know what I mean…/fist bump

  • Stacy Littlejohn

    There is so much risk involved with attempting to share your life authentically/transparently with the world both in your victories and your failures, for the sake of Jesus. I love that about you and your family – more than you could possibly know!

  • Pingback: A Nigger…A Gas Station…And God Smack | Pastor Leaders

  • Barry Vaughn

    The ending is the best part – Jesus gets back up on Sunday.

  • patriciamc

    It sounds like you’re doing a great job and therefore hit a nerve with the enemy. Also, sometimes people are just plain stupid.
    I hope you grabbed a pastry while you were at Merridees (great food).

  • Steven Lowell

    So having an F 150 is a step towards being a racist. Wow who would have thought. That’s a steryotype right there pal.

    • ragamuffinsoul

      It was a joke. I drive one. omg.

    • http://www.facebook.com/JoHnY05 Justin Davis

      so does my dad… i can’t believe you los! lol

  • http://www.facebook.com/Herstorygirl Summer Ameen Kelly

    Wow… I never cease to be amazed by the ignorant stupidity in this world. And yet, the thing that will stay with me most is the mental image of you, with your wife, on your faces before God. That, and the still, small voice of our gracious Savior. Perhaps the first encounter enabled the second…? Kudos to you for letting go of the “bait” & not chasing the distraction. After reading your blog for all these years, this might be my favorite post yet. :)

  • Abbi Berry

    Just yes. Thank you for your constant transparency.

  • Troy Burbank

    I cannot believe that nobody made a comment on your f150 crack! I know you we’re just joking around and I’m not calling you out on this but it has to be said. Okay I am calling you out. But in a lighthearted manner. Anyway, I just have to say that it is incredibly annoying when people think you’re racist biggot because you’re a little backwoods or drive a big truck. I wouldn’t say it if it hasn’t happened. Granted, I don’t know you’re thoughts, and I’m not accusing you. I just wanted to point out that fact to anyone willing to read it.

    • Troy Burbank

      Also, that sucks majorly that it happened to you bro. Can’t say I’d have reacted any different than you did though

      • ragamuffinsoul

        I bought an F150 last week. :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/david.underwood.5 David Underwood

    Damn, dude. Sorry. Why does this make me feel so bad? So sorry, Los.

  • Leslie

    …I give up.

  • yankeegospelgirl

    Bizarre, for sure. Still, it’s good to remember that this kind of thing cuts both ways. I’ll wager that for every crazy dude saying “Go home nigger!” there’s at least one minority cursing out a “whitey.”

    • ragamuffinsoul

      wow

    • Lindsey

      Seriously doubt it. Wtf.

      • http://www.facebook.com/JoHnY05 Justin Davis

        you can doubt it but that doesn’t change the fact that it happens. if you want to disregard it at all you can say it’s not to the same extent but that can’t really be said to be true unless you involve the past which i don’t think is fair to everyone in the present being as this was a statement about the present. i don’t know that it can be said that it’s a 1 to 1 ration but that’s neither here nor there. all my racial experiences (more than 2 but i don’t feel the need to go into every story) have been just that (probably because i’m white and not a different color so they had to stick to whitey ;) ). first one was on a playground where i was called white boy and laughed at by a hispanic kid who’s skin was paler than mine, go figure. then there’s assumed racism because of race which is still racism. had a angry dark skinned gentleman twist my words for this purpose. not to mention an old coworker of mine (after realizing how much a garbage man made) told that he wouldn’t get the job because he wasn’t hispanic. and that’s all just in the sunny OC which is fairly white dominant.

        • Lindsey

          If all of your racial experiences can be shared in one comment my point is made. And please, let’s not try and compare. It’s insulting to the hundreds of years minority communities have dealt with oppression because of their skin color.

          • http://www.facebook.com/JoHnY05 Justin Davis

            who said that was all of them? i gave variouse types of racism not all my experiences. it’s insulting (and also i’d argue racist) that you think you can disregard someone else’s experiences just because their skin is of a lighter variety. if you wanted to say you don’t believe it could be 1 for 1 that’s fine but “seriously doubt it. wtf” is quite the asumption. and please explain how it’s insulting to years of racist oppression by recognizing that racism exsists on all sides? are you arguing that past racism justifies present racism?

            • Lindsey

              I apologize for my tone. My initial response was in reaction to the flippant generalization of the 1 to 1 comment. It is simply not true. As far as my last comment is concerned, I’m sorry if I came across as uncaring. I’m white and grew up as the only white person in most of my neighborhoods. My blonde brother was jumped and threatened regularly by groups who were not white. So, I get that it can go both ways. BUT, even with my experiences regarding race, I simply CANNOT accept the notion that it is as difficult for me as it is for, say, my dark-skinned husband, who’s been followed by store owners, been pulled over because he was driving too nice of a car (even though he didn’t break a single law), and been spoken down to (referred to as “boy”, told “know your place”, etc) even though he is one of the most eloquent and reapectable men I know. I don’t want to debate about this any further. We are coming from different perspectives and that’s fine. Please try and see that, perhaps, your experiences and perspective comes from a place of privilege, as does mine.

      • yankeegospelgirl

        Don’t take my word for it. This is publicly documented. Black crime, black mobs, black-and-white violence—these are all deeply connected with racism and vile racist language. There was one case last year where some black kids chased a white boy home from school and SET HIM ON FIRE while cursing him with racial language. Turns out the black boys go to a school where the teachers were promoting hate speech against whites.

        I am not making this up. I wish I were. But we can’t deny the facts.

        • yankeegospelgirl

          *black-on-white

          • http://felizadriana.wordpress.com Adriana Feliz

            I’m soo late, but couldn’t help it. Racism does go both ways but the reason why it’s usually talked about in terms of non-white groups being discriminated against is because non-white groups ARE the ones who suffer the most from YEARS of oppression. Being “nigger” (or from any other marginalized group) is what gets people followed around at stores and gets the cops to pull them over just “because”…. When being a “whitey” comes with the same amount of baggage, let us know. Yeah, racism goes both ways but white-ness is privilege, don’t forget.

            • yankeegospelgirl

              Not anymore it’s not. Businesses, universities, and other institutions in fact actively discriminate against whites, particularly white males. I’ve seen the gender side of this first-hand in the academy. Men with better resumees than the women applying are deliberately bumped DOWN in the list just for their gender. The same thing happens constantly with race.

  • Suesundae

    I so appreciate your authenticity. Truth is that I do let what gets thrown my way distract me from the bigness of God and what He has in His control! It saddens me to hear the cruelty of people, but you rose above even if it took a moment or two…thank you for sharing.

  • http://twitter.com/yenguang dn

    The enemy has resorted to hurling things at you like this. You’re doing something right bro. Keep it up. :-)

    @yenguang

  • http://twitter.com/yenguang dn

    Also… thank you for your honesty and for being genuine. I would’ve probably reacted the same way. Thank God that His spirit is at work in us. :-)

  • Josh

    Read your post, then happened to read this in a commentary while studying:
    ‘Marcus Aurelius, the great Roman Emperor and Stoic saint, used to say to himself every morning, “Today you will meet all kinds of unpleasant people; they will hurt you, and injure you, and insult you; but you cannot live like that; you know better, for you are a man in whom the spirit of God dwells.”‘
    Good stuff!

  • disqus_q1ZevOtQEP

    This is banging!…Good Victory for the team Carlos..The Lord is faithful. Thanks for sharing.

  • allie

    so good. i hate that thirty seconds of imagining punching someone and saying, “remember who just kicked your a**” because i’m guessing jesus is just not going to go for it. and i’ve got to grow up sometime. proud of you. love this post. sorry for the blockheads. one day, he might realize that both you and he are more than that.

  • Jen C

    I have been quietly following your “on your face before Jesus” theme and I just wanted to say thank you. I appreciate your encouragement to be on my face all the time, even though you don’t know me or my story or my daily life junk. I love that you took time you didn’t have to be facedown and honest with God. I love that the 45 seconds you took influenced the rest of your day.

    I got down on my face last night and prayed. It was the most sincere communication I’ve had with my Savior in a while. It had never really occurred to me that my physical posture could dictate my mental and spiritual posture.

    So thank you for being facedown. I will join you.

  • Nathan Del Turco

    Thanks for sharing this Carlos.

  • Tre Lawrence

    I feel you, brother. Nothing gives us an excuse to hate as much as hatred itself.

    Thankfully, I TRULY believe intolerance is dying out. I do.

    Mostly.

  • Pingback: Humanity, Social Media, and Forgiving A Racist | Ragamuffin Soul

  • http://twitter.com/LaniWillbanks Lani Willbanks

    Ignorance is bliss…glad you didn’t burn any more gas chasing it down.

  • Pingback: Trayvon, My Arrest, And Why I Was Confused I Wasn’t Filled With Rage | Ragamuffin Soul

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