Carlos Whittaker

Sep10

My best friend committed murder then killed himself. We, the church, need to wake up.

Posted by loswhit in Authenticity

In the sweet bermuda shorts is my friend Charles.
The cat with the killer socks is my friend Leeland.
And the childhood Obama look alike in the middle is yours truly.

This is one of my favorite pictures on the planet.
Because is shows TRUTH.
3 childhood best friends without a care in the world.

None of us knew that one of us would one day be convicted of 1st degree murder.
None of us knew that one of us would choose to end his life on New Years day 2 years ago while existing on Death Row in some south GA prison.

We didn’t know that stuff then.
Then, we were 7th graders having the time of our lives.

Looking at the 7th grade Leeland that we see in this picture, I’d like to think that there was something that could have been done to prevent the horror of a murder he committed and the eventual suicide that followed.

I blogged a few days ago about my own struggles with mental health.
3000 people around the world die everyday because of suicide.

God’s heart is breaking every 40 seconds.
It’s time for the church to stop burying mental health with “pray harder”.

It’s all around us.
So today, on this day of focus, let’s cut the bull crap.
Let’s call our friends who are struggling with depression and let them know they are not alone.
I’m serious.
Pick up the phone and call them, love them, and pray WITH them not just FOR them.

How has mental health or suicide affected your life?
Los

Kristen

One of my brothers’ very best friends killed himself last New Year’s Eve. The devastation is just… brutal. The Church really does need to wake up and do more with actions instead of just words. Prayer is a powerful thing, but so is coming alongside someone in tangible, physical ways.

http://www.ragamuffinsoul.com loswhit

Kristen. That sucks. Period. Praying…

http://brendasbrainchild.blogspot.com Brenda

In 2008 I ended up in the mental health unit of the hospital twice because I was suicidal. That was one of the darkest years of my life.

My pastor’s wife lost her dad to suicide. They filmed an interview documentary with her and her mom and showed it on Sunday morning. I can’t even tell you the relief I felt at having the topic out in the open at church, the freedom from condemnation. I felt so much more free to be honest about when depression was creeping back in.

http://www.ragamuffinsoul.com loswhit

Freedom. Exactly.

http://www.parenthoodexperiment.blogspot.com Auntie J

Moons ago, before I even met my husband, the wife of the senior pastor at his home church (where he grew up) attempted to commit suicide.

On a Saturday night, if I recall correctly.

Church the next day was interesting, as the pastor struggled to explain his wife’s actions and what had prompted them, while still explaining that her attempt was the result of severe mental illness. That helped alleviate a lot of “would she have gone to hell?” fears, because the pastor explained that he believed God would not hold a woman who was so sick responsible for such actions. She didn’t know what she was doing.

Needless to say, that’s one church that doesn’t have blinders on about suicide.

BriAnne

Working in the field I do, I work with teenagers who struggle with this constantly.. I had one girl that it was always a when not if she will commit suicide.. we went to great lengths to make sure she didn’t do it on our watch.. I’ve sat and watched kids who were cutting themselves to release the pain inside.. all the while praying God would grab them and hold onto them.. I’ve done the talking to the kids who are expressing they’d rather die then deal with all the drama in their lives.. I’ve always been a shoulder to cry on, an ear that listens, and a silent prayer provider (not allowed to mention church/God/etc because it’s a government place)… I wear TWLOHA clothes all the time.. explain the message that goes with it when asked… my kids know I will always listen no matter how bad it is.. it’s the best that I can do…
http://www.mustardseedyear.com Jason

Los, I’m 110% with you on this but to be honest I’m not optimistic about the church stepping up where it should on this issue.

I went through a really deep depression a few years ago. The kind of depression where I would literally sit in the bathtub for six to eight hours at a time not caring the water became ice cold. It was well known I was going through it. At the time, I was attending a church with thousands of “members” and I could count on one hand with fingers left over the number of people who reached out to me from that church.

I had more people who only knew me over the internet reach out to help than flesh and blood people. At the moment more than anything else I wanted someone to show up at my door and say they gave a damn, no one was there.

So, as much as I hate to admit it, I’m not optimistic American churches are going to step up the way they need to do it.

And if you’re going to call someone, be ready to go through it with them. A flip phone call that says “I care” and then not showing up when they really need it hurts more than ignoring them from the beginning.

Linda Lopez

Jason, I agree with you about the church not being helpful. our grandson’s youth pastor was known NOT to give up on any child. He did ours.
I only remember one time our pastor ever preaching on mental health, and the pastor said NEVER put your mentally ill youth on Medication. OUCH.

Linda Lopez

I am a grandmother, and My oldest grandson had a frontal lobe dysfunction (associated to serial killers) and other un-diagnosed problems, i.e., schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, and several other things. He almost killed his little sister, 8 years younger than himself, when she was 5. God protected her, she only got a bruised spleen, but had to take him in for mental health treatment for the next 7 years. No one really helped us with him. They put him on meds, counseled him, talked to him, scolded us as being the bad guys, the others praising us for all we did. My husband slept on the couch as the first line of defense if he were to get up one night and hurt/kill someone. we were told just to call 911 if he came at us. I can’t grab a phone that fast. 3 days before his 18th birthday, he came to the house with 3 other 17/18 year old boys, found my husband alone in the front yard, taunted him and went to attack him. God was there. Our neighbor came home for lunch and scared them off before they could lay a hand on him. We moved three days later, for fear of retaliation. The police were not helpful, nor were the Mental health providers. Our hearts ached, as we cared so much, but we had three little ones in our care, they were first priority. He finally burned his bridges and looked up his birthmom and lived off family for 2 years. Have been told by birthmom that they have to peel him off his girlfriend when he starts beating her up, and he smokes marijuana. Have seen pics of him on her FB page, he looks like a gang banger. Still scares me, is he going to hurt his girlfriend? Mother? Aunt? Uncle? I pray for him daily. Oh, one thing i forgot. When the guy did the mas murder called the Virginia Tech Killer, he cut the picture out of the paper of him and hung it on his bedroom wall. They both look the same. There is a look in their eyes, you can just see, it is there. He never attempted suicide, but hurt other people.

http://www.kwayne5k.com Sharli Allen

Linda, this breaks my heart. I know how little the government and mental health professionals help. When my brother was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder I did everything in my power to ensure he had good counselors, psychiatrists etc … but instead of actually trying to find out why his brain was functioning as it was they sedated him. The entire time he was in the hospital. So when they released him – because well insurance only pays for a small portion of mental health, he didn’t know how to cope with the disease. They had taught him nothing. He went in to learn to cope, to find the medication that allowed him to live his life and left there medicated and not even being able to live a normal life even if he tried. He stopped taking the meds because he wasn’t able to function at all on them outside of the hospital. And his mind went from there. Counselors did not help and he would share with me the fears he had, the manic state of his mind. I feared for his life, never for mine, but knew he was in the place that if he could not control his thoughts he no longer wanted to be here. He did take his life on October 18, 2008 only hours after we hugged and I left the house. Mental Illness is sad, scary and debilitating for the person diagnosed and the family. I can’t help but want to do more – to change this. To fight for those who cannot fight for themselves and the families who are so hopeless. Praying for you and yours.

Nicole

I lost my father to suicide last year. It has been the most heartbreaking challenge I have ever had to experience. I agree. They are not outcasts – they too are children of God. My dad had a physical problem – that he didn’t deal with and doctors seemed to not know how to treat. And now he is gone. So all I can do is help others so that they do not become a survivor of suicide. It isn’t a fun label to have.
Doug

My brother took his life in September of 1997. Just had the 15th anniversary of discovering he had ended his life. He struggled for years with depression and I still sometimes wonder what I could have done or said to keep him from making that choice.
http://www.gatebeautiful.ca Bekka

I wholeheartedly agree with this. I think mental health is severely overlooked, and unfortunately the little we do know is stigmatized and unless someone is willing to get to the truth at the bottom of the mess, people with mental health concerns typically get glossed over.

One of the reasons we left the church we were at last year is because the interim pastor, from the pulpit, made a comment almost verbatim: “Am I saying it’s wrong to go see a psychologist? No. Is it wrong to be a psychologist? Well, it’s just I think that God’s given us so much more…”

I was sick to my stomach that anyone would hold that view, and yet it’s not just Christians who think psychology is a crock. I’ll be fair, having studied it with the intention of pursuing a career in the field, there are some really bogus studies and some really crappy psychologists/psychiatrists out there. But that doesn’t change the Truth.

Mental health is something that really strikes a chord with me, and I suppose that’s part of the reason why I get all up in arms whenever people want to treat it like it’s no big deal, like we don’t need people to actually care about how our heads work, like people with mental health problems/issues/etc. are just dramatic and we can just put a bandaid on that wound right there and everything will be fine.
Eric

Los, my 62 year old dad committed suicide couple days before thanksgiving 2008. The loss that one feels when this occurs cannot be put into words. Pray WITH them, not just a ‘flippant’ prayer for them. We need to reach out to those cries for help, they are real. Love the post.
Neil Schori

What a tragedy on both counts. The church has given out BS lines about mental health for too long. It has been complicit in many murders, unfortunately.

I was Stacy Peterson’s pastor. Just a few days ago, her husband, Drew Peterson was convicted after 8 long years for the murder of his 3rd wife, Kathleen Savio. And the response of most churches to their own violently assaulted women: “you must not have been submissive enough,” or “God hates divorce,” or “show your husband God’s love by sucking it up like a good little martyr.”

That’s all crap. And I’m taking a stand against the apathy of the church. I will fight for the rest of my life for victims of DV.

Los~ please send your followers to http://documenttheabuse.com. We are saving lives TODAY. I’m also recruiting families in churches throughout the nation to become temporary safe havens for the 1.3 million victims of domestic violence each year.

Help me get this word out to churches everywhere!

Peace,

Neil Schori
Aaron D

I’ve been dealing with depression and some anxiety in varying degrees for the past year or so. Fortunately, our church has set up a culture that allows for a lot of transparency so I’ve been able to be honest with my lead pastor about it.

We hosted a seminar on depression put on by some great doctors and psychologists that helped normalize it for us so we’re not all wondering if there’s something uniquely wrong with us.

Two years ago, one of our pastors came forward in our staff meeting and announced that he was in a debilitating state of depression. With his wife and kids there, we laid hands on him, prayed for him and let him know that we had his back no matter what. The elders gave an open ended paid sabbatical while he worked with a counselor to address a holistic healing process with good medication, good counseling and most of all, Christ-centered community that loved him unconditionally through it. Two years later, he’s back on track.

What God did there with his courage, was to create a culture where we can cry out to each other for help and not worry about being dismissed or judged. If he hadn’t done that, I don’t know if I would have been able to open up about my own struggles.

Thank you, too, Los, for doing the same thing in this community of transparency you’ve forged.

Tiffani Brown

This is it right here. I know very few churches that operate like this. But i believe this is the heart beat of Christ. That when his children fall, and we will, that we are met with LOVE, COMPASSION, and HELP.
http://www.beckycastlemiller.com/ Becky Castle Miller

AMAZING. Thanks for sharing. Aaron, I love this idea of hosting a seminar on depression. I would love to help my church do this. Would you be willing to get in touch with me to tell me more about how your church did it? miller.schloss (at) gmail dot com.

http://www.melissaculver.blogspot.com/ Melissa

We have had nearly 10 suicides in our local community in the last 6 years. A friend of ours sat in front of a train. My uncle jumped from the golden gate bridge. My husband’s cousin shot himself. This is real stuff.

Kaiser Permanente did a study of over 17,000 patients about 13 years ago. They found a STRONG correlation to high-risk behaviors, suicidal ideation, cutting, eating disorders and the like…all stemming from childhood trauma (emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, sexual trauma, etc.). A local pastor in our area wrote a bible study that talks about this very thing. http://www.aceovercomers.blogspot.com.

Ann Gardner

Melissa, my daughter is a cutter and has made two suicide attempts. There were not any childhood traumas such as listed above or others . We raised her in a fun, loving, Christian home with both mother and father present and involved. She has a chemical brain imbalance. It’s hard enough for parents of children who do this without being constantly told that the child’s upbringing is at fault. We beat ourselves up enough as it is. Thankfully our church helps us all way–ten years now .

Todd

I 100% agree with you Ann. My daughter is also a cutter, has been put in the hospital twice for a suicide watch and is in a clinic for anorexia. The biggest help for us as a family, was to have a counselor sit down and tell us that there is NOTHING we could have done to avoid this. She has a chemical imbalance that needs to be treated. They see kids come in from both good homes and bad. The clinic has psychiatrists, counselors, therapists and pediatrician specialists. They all have doctorates in their fields and have a passion for eating disorders.

We have been open with her condition at the church and they would like my daughter to consider mentoring kids as she gets older. This is a huge step for her. A few years back, before her condition escalated, she approached her youth pastor about it. His reply… “That is self-worship. Stop sinning.” What we all need to remember though, is that this is not an attitude held by all pastors. They need to be educated just as much as we do.

Ann Gardner

Todd, I am so sorry to read about your daughter’s and family’s pain. I’m so glad that someone told you that you did your best parenting job and were not responsible for your daughter’s self-harming–we had to learn that too.
I hope that you have supportive friends and church and you’re right, mental health education is well needed.

Paige

Sometimes the body of Christ really does what we’re called to do. Our cousin’s 20 year old stepson murdered his girlfriend and then committed suicide a couple of months ago in North Georgia and though our cousin and his wife weren’t going to church, a pastor she knew reached out to her and wrapped them in love. He welcomed them to the church for the funeral of the son who murdered his girlfriend and worked with both families to find healing. They are now going to the church and though the situation was a tragedy – God has been glorified in the way it’s been handled. Sadly that’s often the exception but it was so refreshing to see the church being the CHURCH!

We refuse to allow Kyle’s life to be judged based on one decision. He was an amazing kid who loved the Lord AND who happened to suffer with mental illness. He was self medicating and made a terrible decision but that is not who he was or how he will be remembered.

Thanks for sharing the truth! From someone who also struggles with depression, it’s refreshing to hear.

http://www.beckycastlemiller.com/ Becky Castle Miller

Thanks for this story. It’s so good to hear of the church truly handling these things well.

http://iamtheonewiththecamera.blogspot.com/ Sara

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I am so tired of people I know (I’m from a conservative Baptist culture) making light of the VERY REAL anxiety and depression issues that face TONS of christians (including myself).

I am tired of hearing how psychologists and/or therapists shouldn’t be part of a christians life and that you don’t “need medicine”……

I am sure that sometimes, those statements above are truth but there are also some very real cases where therapists and medicine are needed in order for a person to get better.

Thanks again.

Lidnsay

Thank you!!!! You have just said exactly what I have wanted to say for years! I know so many people that if I told them I was on meds for anxiety and depression I would be looked down upon as a Christian, but my medication and my therapist help me. and I don’t know where I would be right now without them!

http://iamtheonewiththecamera.blogspot.com/ Sara

Lindsay,
Oh, yea. I’m on medicine too so I totally know where you’re coming from.

It’s scary to actually come out and “go against” stuff that’s been said as “gospel” but I really feel like the Lord is showing me that many of the things I’ve been brought up believing aren’t the black and white pictures that have been painted for me.

Anyway, I hope that you continue to get better with whatever’s you’re going thru…
Sara

Molly

This time last year my former brother in law took his own life. My 17 yr old son was really close to him and it was almost as bad as if his own father died. It sent my son down a road that I hoped he would never have to travel.

I never thought that my son would struggle with depression and anxiety but, he does. I sent myself your last post on anxiety and depression, I am going to print this one and that one for him to read. I can see him in your words. Thanks for the comfort, explanations and understanding.
Lindsay

3 years ago I fell into a deep depression, I had been taking my pills, but I stopped taking them suddenly (by the way NEVER do that) because I didn’t think they were helping. I could lay in bed for hours and go through the motions of my day and not remember a thing that I did. I attended church 4 times a week between worship and Bible Study, and not one person asked or seemed to care. My parents figured it out immediately that I was in the depths of depression and helped me get some help, but it was very hard to go to church every week and still is today and know if I told anyone that I was on Prozac I would be mocked and looked down upon. I hope someday the church will figure out how to help people like me without judging them.

John

If you need to talk, I’d be happy to be a listening ear and a “shoulder”. I’ve been there… actually I am there. Have been for a while. Shoot me an email anytime you need to. nomac2132@gmail.com

http://iamtheonewiththecamera.blogspot.com/ Sara

Yes, Lindsay, I was gonna say that too….My email is snotnosebrat03@yahoo.com

John

It affects me every single day… from the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to sleep. Dealing with my issues, the issues of those around me, from not being sure if I can make to not being sure I if I want to, to being scared to death of what would happen to the people who need me if I couldn’t take it anymore.

Praying is important, but sometimes a listening ear and a helping hand to just say “I love you, I’m here, I’m listening, and I care” is God’s way of giving his support by speaking through someone else. I guess that’s why the worst part of my struggles is not just handling it all, but the overwhelming feeling of being alone, though I know I’m not.

Thanks for sharing and for loving all of us Los. Thanks for praying for all of us, for me…
http://llamatruth.tumblr.com Alanna

My brother’s ex-wife (who I still consider my sister-in-law because she was the mother of my nieces and nephew) committed suicide five years ago. She came from a horribly abusive childhood home, had a baby when she was 15 and was put down for being a ‘sinner’ by people in two different churches. Her sister committed suicide two years before she did. She became an alcoholic and suffered from depression and a myriad of other substance abuse disorders. I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if she had been accepted into a church home that helped her heal. I see our church striving to do that, but I also see quite a bit of stigma still attached to mental health issues in general.

Thanks for being such an amazing voice in the Christian community, Los.
MJT

It was a major factor in my marriage disenegrating after almost 30 years..
Clay Harryman

All my life, I struggled with anger. Alcohol, I discovered, put the anger on hold – but only as long as I was completely smashed. I sobered up in 1996 and the rage returned with a vengeance. I killed a pet rabbit. I destroyed things. I spent time in the Navy brig. I threw a sofabed (without assistance) about 10 feet. I nearly assaulted a police officer.

I was so afraid to live that I wanted to die. But I didn’t have the balls to do it.

In 1999, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. A month on lithium and I could talk with my new wife. The medications increased and changed over the next few years, until they started taking a toll on my body. High blood pressure. Kidney stones with lithium. Liver problems. Heart racing so fast I could hear it.

I told my doctor that the medications that gave me the will to live, but they were going to kill me.

In 2002, I found the bottomless ocean of God’s grace. I dove in head first. But whenever I prayed for him to remove my bipolar disorder, I kept finding myself at 2 Corinthians, 12:10. “My grace is sufficient for you.”

He didn’t take Paul’s thorn away, nor would he remove mine. But His grace is sufficient for me. His grace is sufficient for me. His grace is sufficient for ME!

I ran with that. In 2003, without the doctor’s consent, I weaned myself off the medications. I continued to see a counselor, and informed mental health professionals at my church what I was doing. They were not in favor of it, but monitored my progress.

The mental health professionals are amazed that I am no longer experiencing “manic episodes” and depression. Bipolar disorder is, after all, incurable. But here I am, either misdiagnosed or in God’s grace. I believe the latter.

My wife still watches me closely and lets me know when I’m coming close. She knows it better than I do. But I haven’t lost my temper in 8 years.

2 Corinthians 12 continues with the words, “…My power is made perfect in weakness.” I came to understand those words when I volunteered in prison. I began to minister to those incarcerated for various crimes – but nearly all suffering from emotional distress. They said, “You don’t know what it’s like.” Then I tell them my story. And they loosen up.

My “bipolar disorder” is a gift. It allowed me to see the world through someone else’s eyes. And it allows me to minister to them.
Matthew W

I spent most of July in low level depression and most of August in deep depression. I had four short but intense manic episodes in August. Saturday I had two full bipolar cycles (high + low) in two hours. I’m hypomanic and insomniac right now. And I’m tired of all of it.

L.

Hey. Hugs and prayers for you.
Joy

Matthew…I’m right there with you. I spent nearly a week in a psychiatric facility in June, and I was okay for a little while, but it’s been slipping away for the last week or two. Ridiculously energetic and happy one day, and intensely sad and depressed the next. It will be okay. It always is. I have been RESCUED before, and I will be RESCUED again. Don’t be afraid to look for help. It’s out there. It’s really gonna be okay, I promise. Hold onto hope…

Andrea

I’ve had those dark periods where I wanted the pain to stop, where I’ve wanted people to notice my pain and reach out to me. I’ve cut my wrists with a razor as both practice and as a test to see if anyone noticed and no one did. What I’ve always found amazing is the same people that did not notice my dark days are always the ones that when they hear of someone who’s committed suicide talk about the selfishness of the person and make comments on Facebook like, “I just wish they would have talked to someone” and I always wonder, “Did they send you messages like slashed wrists that you didn’t notice?” Sometimes the word “help” is the hardest one to say for someone who’s in that dark place. You don’t think you matter enough to help.

If you see someone hurting, reach out to them. I know in my darkest days, I would have given anything to have a friend notice and say “Are you all right?” Tell that person what he or she means to you. The simple act of letting that person know you care could bring hope to them. Just taking the time to listen, even if you don’t feel like you have any answers could make a difference. It may not be the easiest thing in the world to do but you literally could be saving someone’s life.
http://www.crittyjoy.com Christy

It’s time for the church to stop burying mental health with “pray harder”.

This.
It NEEDS to happen.

I worked in a ministry for 7 years where the emphasis was taking teens off meds for mental illness through prayers etc. It still pisses me off and for years I ignorantly did it. I could no longer do it anymore and stood up. Leaving that job was a burden lifted from my heart.

Mental illness is real and it cannot and will not all be healed by prayer. It is just like any other disease and the church needs to start treating it that way.

May there be more like you Los who stand up and say my struggle is REAL. May we be a misfit community standing up for others and saying I love you…no matter what.

http://llamatruth.tumblr.com Alanna

This is amazing.
My in-laws once said that my husband was struggling so much with his anxiety disorder because he wasn’t spending enough time “in the word”, he wasn’t practicing self-control, and we were putting our relationship before our relationships with God.
It broke my heart (and still does) that they believe this and I know many others do too.
We as Christians should be the ones loving those suffering through their struggles not implying that they are week spiritually because of them.

http://about.me/fumby_girl Kelli

My mother was sexually abused as a child from the age of 3 until she was 13 by her legal guardian resulting in so many mental scars that I cannot even imagine what she goes through on a daily basis. If that weren’t enough, she was injured in the bobming of the Murrah building in Oklahoma City back in 1995 furthering her traumatization and adding more anxiety & PTSD to her list of mental illness. As a result of having to “make up for” her shortcomings, I also have anxiety, depression and PTSD as well. Mine most recently coming to light within the last year although I have probably had it all my life or at least since 1995. I just didn’t realize it. My mother and I both grew up in loving, Christian homes. The church needs to realize that these things don’t just happen to “bad people”. They happen to everyone. And even when you think that it can’t or won’t happen to you, it will. Even when you do what you can to keep it from happening, it still will. As a church, we still need to reach out to those people and try to understand what they’re going through or at least be there for them and show them God’s love for them.
http://www.rhyslakephotography.com Rhys Lake

Not sure if it’s coincidence, but it’s World Suicide Prevention week this week.

I run a course down here in NZ, helping people on the unemployment benefit find work. We had a guy this year commit suicide & it was rough as guts.

Incidently, New Zealand has the highest youth suicide rate in the world. Just this last 2 months as a youth pastor, I’ve heard of at least 3-4 cases of young people in connection to our faith community who have talked seriously about committing suicide. Just this morning I got a call about a cousin of someone in my course who killed themselves last night.

This is bigger an issue than I ever thought or realised it was this time last year. We need to find a solution. It’s not just through new government strategies or programmes, while that’s significant and needed, but there needs to be hope, deep, true, real hope discovered in the hearts of people. That is only found in Jesus
L.

Although several individual churches handle these situations very well, the church overall doesn’t acknowledge that mental health issues are caused by emotional trauma and/or a physical problem. The church is so caught up in appearances – we should all have the appearance of having our acts together because we follow God. It’s all about impressing each other. I came from a extremely conservative PCA church, and that was the culture there.

I wish one of the well-known Christian theologians would take up this issue.
Matthew W

As a note, the Desiring God blog (http://desiringgod.com) has recently posted a series of videos of guys from Westminster seminary and an association of biblical counselors, and a significant number of them focus on depression and the Christian response to it.
Jesus C.

Hey Los. The theme that seems to be running through this post is that the church has failed in this area. I would agree. But I don’t agree hopelessly. There is a thriving theology of Counseling that takes on these issues head on.

IF ANYONE WANTS HELP on how to HELP PEOPLE with these kinds of issues, they can START HERE:

Depression: A Stubborn Darkness–Light for the Path (Ed Welch)

Out of the Blues: Dealing with the Blues of Depression and Loneliness (Wayne Mack)

Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave : Finding Hope in the Power of the Gospel (Welch)

Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change (Paul Tripp)

How People Change (Timothy Lane)

When I Am Afraid: A Step by Step Guide Away from Fear and Anxiety (Welch)

Seeing With New Eyes: Counseling and the Human Condition Through the Lens of Scripture (David Powlison)

http://www.ccef.org/

http://www.nanc.org/
Sarah

My grandfather committed suicide way before I was born and way before my father met my mother. It was a bad situation, but one that his family did not see coming. I have no clue how my dad and grandmother got through this. They truly are my heroes.

Even though this happened so long ago, it still affects me today. It hurts sometimes to think that the suicide led to my father moving and meeting my mother and then to them having me. I know it had nothing to do with me, but I just want to point how how BIG an effect it has on people. It still hurts me today.
Tamara Cosby

My paternal grandfather committed suicide when I was 11. I was not told about it until I was 24…mind you I have had anxiety issues for many years at that point an realized then it was quite possibly genetic…
http://jonstolpe.com Jon Stolpe

My wife was diagnosed with bipolar disorder shortly after our son was born. After a 2+ month hospitalization and a few months of recovery, things returned to “normal.” 10 years later, she was back in the hospital. She’s doing great now, but I honestly wrestle from time to time with the fears of the “next time.”
What has sustained me and kept me afloat? My God and My Rock, my church, my family, and my friends. Perhaps, my situation is rare in that my church did a great job in both cases rallying around our family. I know that one of the best things that can happen is that people can talk more openly about these times of illnesses and struggles.

http://brendasbrainchild.blogspot.com Brenda

I very much understand the fear of “next time.” Whenever I’m feeling down, and it persists for a week or two, I get afraid that it’l end up being another 2 years of hell. I try to remind myself that I have a much better support system now, I have more resources, and I’m good at using my resources well. It gives me courage to know that if I do face “next time,” I can make it through.

http://www.intrinsicpotentials.com Lori Durham

I am a registered nurse, and I chose to specialize in mental health early in my career (26 years ago) because I saw it as an under-serviced area. As a Christian, it never ceased to amaze and dismay me how archaic and even punitive the attitudes can be within the body of Christ. More so than even the secular community, the Christian community by and large makes seeking help or even acknowledging a problem tremendously difficult. Added to the already present feelings of guilt and inferiority are the assertions that they individual is lacking faith, un-spiritual or somehow falling short in Godly character. These days I am focusing on catching people BEFORE they breakdown completely; my role as a Life Management Coach specializes in working with persons (especially MINISTRY persons) vulnerable to or experiencing burn out: a potentially life threatening condition which merges with depression and – if untreated- could be fatal. You can read more about what I do here http://www.intrinsicpotentials.com
Lori
Joy

I have battled depression since the age of 8. I started having panic attacks at 15, and was put on an anti-depressant. My then church family, very much looked down upon me needing “help” and medicine to feel better emotionally. To them, I simply needed to pray, and be closer to God. I got really “sick” when I was 22, and then sought real, tangible help. A few months into psychiatric care, I was officially diagnosed with PTSD and bi-polar disorder. Now, at 26, it is still very much an uphill battle. I spent time in a psychiatric facility just this past summer! Luckily I have incredibly supportive friends and family members, that truly want to see me “get better”. I often don’t reach out for help on hard days because I don’t want them to have to help me AGAIN, or think that I am being over-dramatic or looking for attention. And it makes my anxiety so much worse when I can’t seem to express that I need some extra help and encouragement on rough days. It’s hard, it really is. Glad to know I’m not the only one who suffers this terribly on a daily basis. I thank God daily for my church (also your church, Carlos) because if I need anything, church family seem to be immediately dispatched. I lost faith in the church ten years ago with their refusal to deal with the idea of mental illness being real, but now have restored faith in God’s people in my current church who hold me and help me. And having survived 4 suicide attempts, the most recent one just this past April in which a chain of events and people made it clear that I needed to live, I have now seen that it is not meant for me to go before God is ready to take me. To all those suffering, you are not alone. We need to stick together. And we need to stand up and change these statistics. Now.

Brenda

The fact that you attempted suicide 4 times and are still here fighting makes me really proud of you. You are so strong, and I’m so glad you’re still here.

Sue

My older brother killed himself six weeks after my twin died suddenly. I missed the signs maybe because I was selfishly caught up in my own grief.

I’ve heard “if you pray and trust God enough it will get better” more times than I care to remember. It’s a constant reminder of what a failure I am because it’s not better.

It’s a dark, bleak road.
Shannon Brummer

I’m bipolar and I could write a reply that would about as long as a dissertation but I won’t.

One thing I always stress to people is that having mental illness isn’t that much different from being diabetic. In both cases, the chemicals in your body aren’t working right. No one would ever tell a diabetic to suck it up or that they lacked faith or any of the other ridiculous things I’ve heard. Medication is necessary to help the chemical imbalance, just as insulin is necessary to control blood sugar levels. If I’m less of a person because I take medication, then so is everyone who is diabetic, has celiac disease, or has cystic fibrosis.

I am very passionate about this issue and won’t tolerate discussions that portray people with mental illness in a negative light. A chemical imbalance is a chemical imbalance — period.

I actually like to say that I’m strategically imbalanced. I can minister to others because I’m bipolar. I can relate in ways that others just can’t.

I’ll stop now before I get carried away. I’m happy to continue this conversation with anyone who would like to. I’ve posted my name here and I can be found on Facebook.

Thank you, Carlos, for starting and facilitating this discussion!
Mandy

My uncle just commited suicide a couple of months ago. He suffered from mental illness & depression. Before he took his own life he started becoming very paranoid and was taking guns to bed with him and reading on how to make bombs. His whole life he had been used by his family in one way or another. The way that his family has acted and treated my aunt since his death have only furthered the proof the brokeness/hopelessness he felt. (He had family asking my aunt for things at his funeral, and the day his body was found his estranged daughter made a list of the belongings she wanted from their house!) It is just so sad to me to know how this man was raised and how he was used for others personal gain even after death. To see all the selfishness and entitlement even in the wake of such tragedy is apalling! A constant reminder of our brokeness as a people and the need for a savior!
Ann Gardner

Los, I am so sorry for your loss and the shock waves going through your friend’s family and friends.
The church that I’m in now, River Pointe church in Richmond, Tx., is very supportive to people suffering from mental health issues.
Our pastor has talked from the pulpit about his treatment for depression . His honesty and vulnerability makes our church a safe place for people to talk about depression, suicide attempts and more.
Ten years ago my daughter made two suicide attempts and we found out that she’d been cutting for over a year. She left her church and became a Goth. Regardless of that, our church rallied around us with love, compassion and prayers. People are still praying for her and ask me about her–she is still cutting. She takes medication for depression and anxiety because she, like most people who have mental health issues, has a chemical imbalance–not caused by bad parenting or lack of faith . We (parents) beat ourselves up enough without anyone else having to say those things. Because of our pastor’s honesty, we too have been honest and open about this and have had so many people come to us because their children are doing the same things. I went to Goth hangouts with my daughter and talked to and loved on these hurting people. God has taken my pain and made it my ministry. In my opinion, the church should combine love, compassion, grace, prayer ,support, counseling and medication and I thank God that that is what my church did. I am so sad for those whose church did not react in that way.
One more thing–when you see Goths , look past their clothes and piercings and see the inner children crying out for love and a kind word.
http://none jim voigt

Calling my mom tomorrow. Im sorry youve had to go through this. If i can help anyone please call me. 630-664-1459. Im not an expert on anything but i have ears to listen.
e

this post strangely gave me a lot of hope. there was a moment last year when i got diagnosed with severe depression and was haunted by thoughts of suicide everyday. i thought it went away as i got better a couple of months later. but these past couple of days, the thoughts keep trying to creep back slowly… and it gets stronger and stronger as it feels like im more and more alone. And it isn’t that I don’t believe in God and don’t believe that He is with me always… but the worst part of depression is all the lies that are fed into your brain by the enemy

it’s true… just a call to let them know that they aren’t alone does wonders…

thanks so much for the post los… i hope that one of my friends will call me to let me know that too

Joy

hey…you’re not alone…

Auguste

I personally suffer from depression. I even went to therapy for it. Its just sad that my family dont think that depression is a serious illness. Its hard going through this alone and not have anyone to talk to. My pastor even stood on the pulpit and said that therapy is a joke…all you need to do is read the word of God and you will be healed smh…Im glad you are open about your condition Los because not a lot of leaders would stand up and say that they have problems
Anonymous

Read this has been hard, as it’s been hard to read everyone’s gut-wrenching posts. Sometimes when you see someone you care about go through something like that, your heart just aches for them.

This is pale in comparison to Los’s friend’s murder/suicide, but I deal with postpartum depression & anxiety for about a year after the birth of my 2nd child. One of my best friends struggles to understand what it was like and I have a hard time describing it to people who haven’t “been there, done that.”

I still have times when I just feel so guilty for having intrusive thoughts about hurting my beautiful baby girl. I am also grateful that I called my midwife for help because she connected me with a psychiatrist who helped me immensely.

A lot of moms don’t understand postpartum depression because, well, this is supposed to be the happiest time of your life…what are you so sad and depressed about?

My daughter is 4 years old now and she’s great. Dealing with the PPD (along with a 2nd surgical birth) was a big reason why we stopped at 2 children because, honestly, I don’t think I could handle the depression & anxiety again.
Randy

Did you try to fuck his wife too? You are right, the church does need to wake up.

http://www.tigerthegecko.blogspot.com anon

huh?

CCG

I have struggled with my own insecurities, fears, anxiety and occasionally depression. I’m now a recovering alcoholic, I chose to self medicate for many years. My 13yr old son, who’s dad has his own mental health issues, spent 10 days in a mental facility starting the day after Easter of this year. Something I would never wish on my child, he’s having to deal with and I have to watch him fight this battle. He’s doing good these days and I’m hoping for him to communicate with me and that he can be open about what’s going on and that he’s not alone.
Matthew

I am not sure the church is able to build relationships of vulnerability, because so many members are scared to be real people. It is as if no one really needs God because every one is already “mature”. I am more inclined to tell a perfect stranger that I have bi-polar disorder and suffer pretty severe depression than to tell a church member and invade their zone of comfort. Relationships are often the weakest component of our modern “mega-church” trend.
Ann Gardner

I love this community. People don’t just write a note, they reach out, communicate with and pray for each other. I am so sorry to read the bad experiences that so many people had with their churches. We are all part of God’s church and I apologize and ask forgiveness on behalf of the church people who caused you hurt. Please know that there are other people out there who do have compassion and want you to know that God loves you and cares for you so much. I pray that God would lead you to those church members and that you would find some understanding and peace of mind.
LucasG

I live with depression. Recently I had a sit down with my worship leader about my demeanor and adittude about our team. Evidently she and others have seen my little monster make an appearance from time to time. So I came out and told her I have depression and she suggested I go through a healing thing. Talking about generational sin and that stuff. Never once did she mention seeking the help of a PROFESSIONAL. Just some Willow Creek (it wasn’t from there) processing, having endless lunch meetings, subpar Christian counseling hokum. So I said no thanks and age said “I don’t know where we are supposed to go from here”, b/c I refused to go through “counseling”. We came to an impasse and I left the team. The church is afraid of it because the “book with all the answers” doesn’t speak in detail about it. So sweep it under the rug and pray till your knees bleed approach is the current direction. Which doesn’t work. I’ve prayed countless times for this to go away but it’s still here. In using the “thorn in my flesh” card on this one. Sad to hear about the deaths of your friend Los and the other posters.
http://hollybirdswords.blogspot.com hollybird

Five years ago, i was walking around with a purse full of the pills I was going to take to end it all. I was ready, said my goodbyes, made peace with myself, felt ok about it really. I was in therapy, but faking my way through. And then, on that crazy Thursday, something inside of me made me hand my purse to my counselor and say the words “I don’t want to do this. Please help me find a better way”. It was scary, vulnerable, beautiful and ugly all wrapped up in one. And it was the moment that my healing began.

After that, I was able to let out the raw emotions that I’d been holding in for years. True healing has happened, and I am free. And happy. And content. And blessed. And unashamed of my story.

I’m a psychiatric nurse by profession, and I see the people who are living the statistics every day. God help us, the Church, if we don’t reach out.

THanks for this, Carlos.
http://www.churchrochester.ny.org John

Sorry to hear! We’ll continue to pick up our crosses daily and BE the church.
Renshia

” pray WITH them not just FOR them.”

On the chance of being off putting, instead of doing that…. Why not do something useful? Like helping him get help. Taking them to a doctor. Spend time with them. help with the cost of meds. I know that you all like to pretend your doing something when you pray, but hey, If the big guy didn’t care to respond on the first plea, =what makes you think the 500th is going to make a lick of difference. Do you think groveling really works? Maybe it is time to quit praying and start doing.

Just saying.

ann Gardner

Renisha, I think it takes both faith and action. In our case, prayers combined with compassion, a psychiatrist, counseling and medication. You’re right in that a prayer is not enough –unless there’s instant healing—we, the church, have to be unselfish enough and be willing to go the second mile with the hurting.

Cindy

I know a young man who suffers from mental illness, I don’t know what flavor exactly. He has struggled for the last 18 months with it. School got harder and harder so his mom asked his aunt to help tutor him and she did, almost every day for a whole school year. The aunt is one of my best friends and she works with homeless people so she understood about mental issues. Avenues were explored but there’s little in the way of mental health facilities in a town with the highest unemployment rate in the state. The focus is on jobs, you see. The local hospital will take you for three days (only if you are an eminent danger to yourself or others!) but standard policy is medicate and release. The meds helped, I think, but they didn’t shut the voices down entirely. He got through the school year, sort of. The aunt would ask me to pray from time to time and I did but it wasn’t WITH him, you know? Not even when I when I saw him in person and could see for myself the disturbing and unmistakable disconnect in his eyes. His meds got changed, again, but he was 18 now and his mom lost the ability to know what, exactly, was going on. His mom loved him so much and maybe thought if we can just get him to graduate, it would help, he only had one more test to get that diploma. I don’t know. What I do know is that we were going to the lake together that Sunday, the young man, his mom, the aunt and uncle, and my family. It started raining so we canceled and we all went to our own homes. We don’t know what triggered the argument or disagreement or even if there was one. My friend, the aunt, found the bodies three days later….because we were all supposed to go river rafting together to celebrate my birthday. Instead, she found that the young man killed his mother and step-father and walked away like nothing happened. In the days that followed, I stayed with my friends who lost a sister and a best friend, with a nephew in custody. My grief as a friend heightened by their pain but I did what I could, answered calls and questions, turned away the curious and the media. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever been through and I wasn’t even a key player. But here’s the kicker. My friend, as seriously traumatized as she was on all sides, went to the jail to see the young man. I said why are you doing that to yourself and she said I need to see him and tell him I love him….that’s what his momma would have wanted me to do. And so she did, a beautiful gesture in the midst of the most heinous event I’ve ever personally witnessed.
Ann Gardner

What a woman! We should all have friends like that.
http://www.brokensaints.wordpress.com brokensaint

I have a blog about being Christian and suffering from clinical depression. it is HARD. And misunderstood.
http://www.brokensaints.wordpress.com brokensaint

And that’s probably not as much stigma as other forms of mental illness.
Shan

I have dealt with mental illness since I was a teenager. I’ve been treated, not treated, medicated, not medicated, you name it. This spring, after a couple of years with extreme breakdowns and periods of not leaving bed for months at a time, I attempted suicide. It was my second such attempt. I was hospitalized and now finally, am back in therapy and medicated. I am also now active in church again for the first time in a long time. I often wonder how people would look at me.. if they knew. Its a terrible stigma.
http://www.kwayne5k.com Sharli Allen

My brother took his own life hours after I left him. He was diagnosed in 2007 with Schizoaffective disorder after living 22 years of his life mental illness free. The disorder took over his mind and he would share in detail the thoughts and the fears he had. He told me he heard voices and knew they were not real – but how hard it was to discern them in that moment. After his tragic choice – one in which I do not judge him for but did my best to love him through, my sisters and I started a 5k in our community to raise funds and awareness for mental illness and the reality that many end in suicide. In the past three years we have raised $15k and donated it to The Brain and Behavior Foundation. Mental Illness is swept under the rug and those suffering are not loved but outcast. I want to fight to stop that and I want to fight to end the judgement of those who are fighting for their lives against something that there is no cure for … yet.
http://www.fayebryant.com/ Faye

Thank you, Los.
http://www.facebook.com/mike.dunger Mike Dunger

On a happy note, those aren’t Bermuda shorts, those are some righteous Jams! My pair somehow found their way into a Goodwill bag, though my bride denies any involvement….

On a serious note, mental/pshycological/emotional health is oftenseen as just a lack of faith and/or belief. While it CAN be that, we must never dismiss someone else’s pain and struggle.
http://twitter.com/adaminspired Adam Mason

I love you.
Ktribe

Sooo Opening a can of worms here…Here’s the truth. I have struggled
with Mental Illness all my life. When I was 7 I was a cutter. I visit
my doctors who give me more pills to stay alive each day, I choose in my
sickness and in my imperfections to share with some at my church. I was
told by one I was looking for attention, another passed judgement and
yet another told me I was being selfish…My low point was seeking
council in people who don’t even believe in a God who wiped my tears and
came to my house and took my razors. They called and they listened to
me cry. And yet I go to church on Sunday to my “family of brothers &
sisters” I so desire to be a part of and they walk by like a stranger
walks by on the street. My church family? This is my church family? The
ones I am suppose to call to in help? Desperate to live life and be
happy… I guess I wasn’t the only one less than a month ago a man
decided to kill himself in our church parking lot… In yet some strange
way I envy him..He no longer has to live in sadness or be numb for the
rest of his life..I just get tired of the struggle.

http://www.facebook.com/lyndsey.wade.52 Lyndsey Wade

Ktribe~ I am so sorry that people at your church made the decision, albeit a stupid one, to treat you that way. I myself have struggled with depression & anxiety for 15 years and know that I always will. I agree that many congregations don’t know how to deal with mental illness. It isn’t pretty and it’s very inconvenient. It lasts past the Sunday sermon and continues through Wednesday night Bible study, all the way to the next Sunday and beyond. I urge you to find a different congregation, if you can. I know that is easier said than done. I have found webcasts from a church in Northville, MI that I enjoy and have emailed the pastor there to stay in contact. Although it is 3 hours away, I try to attend a few times a year, as well. Do not give in to the darkness that sometimes surrounds you. Fight with all your strength. Please know that I will be praying for you daily!!