Jul06

I Left My Church Because…

100
Posted by loswhit in Religion

I have never been involved in a “church split”.
I have never been part of an unhealthy church.
I honestly haven’t.
I am usually the thing that makes the church unhealthy.
I’ve been blessed.
But some people have not.
And whenever these people tell of their stories they almost always get criticized for “church bashing”.
That’s like telling someone that their wounds are not real and to ignore the abuser.
I think with right motives and pure hearts it is actually helpful for people to hear stories of survival from bad religion.
And I’d love to know yours.
Have you ever left a church or job in a church or ministry because of the unhealthy place the church was at?
How did this affect you spiritually?
Speak up Ragamuffins…
Los

  • http://www.mustardseedyear.com Jason

    I’ve left a church like that in the past. It’s hard to see leadership in a church that knows they’re not in line with the Word and yet they choose to continue because it “reaches the world” or “keeps the peace.” When a pastor says they’re willing to compromise the Bible so they can put “bodies in the sanctuary” then it’s time to go.

    It really discouraged me. Made me wonder why I should stay involved in a church because all churches are led by men who will make mistakes. Eventually I thought that not all church leaders are willing to compromise Christ to be “relational.” But I’m always leery of red flags.

  • George

    I’m actually debating whether or not I should leave my current church. I feel like I’m not getting fed, there’s no accountability, and I don’t feel the care and love that I yearn for from fellow brothers and sisters. Yet, my dilemma is that I serve as praise leader. Do you have any suggestions on what I should do? Thank you.

    • David

      Wow. Same place with you.

      • http://facebook.com/radiobluespr radioblues

        Same EXACT story here..

      • mel

        I’m in the boat, too… lots of praying in our house about this…

    • Matt

      George,
      I’m a worship leader as well and it’s always been my opinion that (as a leader) the church is a place to serve and fellowship…not get “fed”.

      It’s not someone else’s job to make sure my relationship with Christ is healthy…it’s my job…it’s my passion.

      If I’m not growing in my relationship with Jesus, then it’s because I’m not spending time in prayer and in the Word.

      I would suggest (as I’ve had to do the same in the past) 3 things…

      1. that you spend as much time praying and reading the Word as you do one of your favorite hobbies. (maybe even fast from something)

      2. that you try and bond with your brothers and sisters in a way that you haven’t before.

      3. that you ask someone you respect to be your mentor.

      I hope this helps…if not, I’ll be praying for you.

      • http://www.robreed.com Rob

        Just encouraging you, Matt. Great response. That kind of discouragement that George described is contagious. But the repair starts with God and how much I’m relying on Him.

      • George

        Matt, thanks for your comment.

        I think it’s so easy to say “it’s your fault”. Is my situation, the way I feel, really because of what I do? I mean what is the church for? It’s a place to serve God but isn’t it also for fellowship? Isn’t it also for accountability? Isn’t it also for being fed? To learn? To see how Christians should live? I’ve had passion… but I just feel I don’t have the energy anymore…

        I do give… is it wrong for me to have some sort of expectation from church? If that is so, then why go to church?

        I appreciate your points and prayer and will do more of them.

    • http://www.church51.com Barry

      George,
      I agree with Carlos that what you are feeling is real, but I’d like to propose the possibility that those feelings may not be connected directly to the church. Might be…
      “not getting fed” – someone else is not pouring into me
      “no accountability” – others should be holding me and/or others to a higher standard
      “I don’t feel care and love” – I’m not receiving something that I should be
      These are consuming statements, but like I said, they are real feelings that you have. Obviously, I don’t know you or your whole story, but that kind of language is exactly what so many people would say and my theory is because it is that way we have been taught, trained and raised. We have been taught to consume church and to consume faith.
      Those are not bad feelings for to you to have… hunger, desire to be challenged and to experience love & community. However, the church was not created or meant to be the answer for us to those questions.
      I’m not cracking on you, George. It’s the system many of us have been raised in.
      The church is the product of what ever is going on inside of us, believers. And there are always a few that feel they can “deliver” to those in need. It lasts only until they are consumed and move on to another church.
      It sounds like you are even being “consumed” because of your musical or leadership talent.
      You, me and others will begin to feel fed, when we serve others. We will be accountable when being accountable matters most to you & me and we will experience care and love when we give it away to others with no strings attached. This is too small a space to fully explain but we must turn our expectations upside down. Jesus said if we hold onto our lives, they will sip away (deficit), if we give them away, we will really have it (surplus). Does this make sense?
      Ask, “what value can I add to the lives of others and to my church, however crappy it might be?” Then you will begin to move towards healing, wholeness and a healthy view of what the church is and how our needs are met.
      Be a 51% person bro! Give more than you take!

      • George

        Barry, thanks for your comment.

        What is the church for?

        I’ll say it. I do have expectations from my church. I expect that they come every week on time, prepared and ready to worship God. I expect that they live out the basic tenements of loving every member of the church family, not just by saying “I love you,” but through their actions.

        God is Love, right? And only God’s love is one-sided. He doesn’t need us to love him. But as humans, we seek love. I seek love, care, and support from my church. I don’t think that’s a wrong expectation to have. I don’t care about being “consumed,” for serving as a praise leader…

        Maybe I have too much expectations…
        Maybe I don’t pray enough…
        Maybe I don’t serve others enough…

        But still, I think I’m allowed to have those expectations.

        I will work more on those points you mentioned at the end of your comment. I need to remind myself of those more often.

        • Krissie

          George, I don’t think it’s wrong for you to expect something from your church. I’m really tired of the people who are involved in serving being made to feel like church is for everyone but them. Real relationships are extremely important, they are the Church, not programs or worship services, and if you are lacking them, then I think you need to do something about it. I can’t tell you that leaving your church will fix the problem, and there might be something else you could do instead. But if you aren’t in the kind of relationships you need to grow/encourage/develop you, then do what you need to do to get there.

          • George

            Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions Krissie.

    • Mason Lamb

      George,

      As a worship leader myself, I know exactly what it feels Ike to be in your position. I discovered some things when I was in your same shoes:

      Being fed: When I felt Ike I wasn’t “being fed,” there was only one thing to do– feed myself! It isn’t the pastor’s job to feed the congragation; it’s the pastor’s job to increase spiritual hunger in the congragation, and give them the freedom and tools to fulfil it themselves.

      Feeling care and love: When I stopped feeling carded for and loved through every difficult situation, at first it was depressing, until I realized it was God’s way of saying, “That’s all you need. Now it’s YOUR turn to be a minister of care to others.” When I stopped focusing on how my own hurts and hang ups weren’t being cared for, and started seeing how I could bless and show love to others in times of hurting, suddenly, the hurts and hang ups I had before didn’t disappear, but i worried about them a lot less. Look for members of your congregation who need your special attention, and shower them with the care you long for. You’ll be amazed what happens.

      Accountability: that could mean several things. What specifically do you mean by it?

      Worship peeps are notoriously moody. That’s the temperament God gave us, dude. We all feel that way from time to time. In the end,the only solution is to focus less on ourselves, and more on others.

      • George

        Thank you for your suggestions… I will work on them.

  • Jennifer

    I left because when I needed everyone to help hold me up, they all turned their backs on me.

    I haven’t been to church since.

    • Chris

      I’m really sorry to hear that – sorry for your pain and that you felt abandoned.

    • B

      me too

    • Albert

      Ouch. I know the feeling all too well (I shared it below) and I am so, so sorry about this.

    • Karen

      Lord Jesus, help Jennifer to be the overcomer in You. Empower her to forgive the trespasses of the opposition and to pray for those who spitefully use her. You promised that when we cast all of our cares unto to You will care for us. Thank You, Lord Jesus, for Your love, peace and comfort during the dark, cold storm. In Jesus’ powerful name. Amen. Bless you, Jennifer. Keep praying. :)

  • Mathew

    Growing up, I was a part of a church split that was more deeply rooted in cultural and an ethic conflict of ideologies rather than any denominational or soUnd leadership conflict. It actually happened during a time where I was more heavily reliant on ‘My Parents’ Religion’, rather than really getting to know who God is in my own relationship with him. I would say that being a part of that split was one of the best things that happened to me as it forced me hard into a position of finding out who God is for myself.

  • Sarah

    Born and raised Catholic. Went through the whole Reconciliation, First Communion, and Confirmation processes, but felt like I never really learned or left with anything. Didn’t look forward to go to church on Sundays.(Actually hated it) Wasn’t a real Catholic. Started going to a Christian church down the street two years ago at age 18 and am stoked to wake up every Sunday and listen to the message they deliver. Awesome band as well. Danny Bias(who is actually at Crosspoint now) had previously led at my church. Just changed my relationship with God for the better. Way better.

    • Jeremy

      Forgive me, Sarah, but you started going to a Protestant church. Catholics are Christians too.

      • Ben

        “Christian” can be used generically to refer to many of the Campbellite branches (Disciples of Christ is a better know one.)

        They don’t use “Christian” in an exclusive sense, but because the don’t use denominational labels.

  • Jordan

    I have been a worship leader for the last 6 years. I didn’t get along with the senior pastor well as far as our views on drinking, tattoos, worship volume levels haha and my biggest, the way people and their money is treated by the church. So i got a job offer to handle booking for a decent venue in town and just turned in my resignation. I haven’t been back, they haven’t called. I have visited and found other great churches. I miss leading, am i missing my calling? I don’t know… But it did then and still does feel like the right move for me spiritually. We’ll see where things go from here.

  • Ana

    I left my old church because I worked in their communications office for 1.5 years. I was disappointed in how much the church had become centered around the pastor and appearances instead of Christ. Perfect example is when I suggested we remove the pastor’s face/name from the billboards to make more room for the new sermon series art, the people looked at me like I had lost my mind. The staff was treated horribly unless you were part of the “inner circle.” Forced volunteering was the name of the game. When there wasn’t “enough” folks in the choir on Easter we had to sing in EVERY SERVICE (all 5) and when told them I needed to drive home to sing at my childhood church with a tiny membership, I was told I was a bad christian. I quit working there soon after that day.

  • Michael

    Yeah… My pastor fell into adultery… The elders went to him to help restore him and he didn’t want to listen. The church split. My wife split after leaving me a single dad. I left after I really heard what was goin on and what he was preaching. It’s honestly like going through a divorce as a kid… Again…. It’s extremely hard to trust anyone, been six years, and I have the hardest time in the world talking to God. I’m damaged goods… Period. I still record at home, I guess I’m a big dreamer with no backing lol, cuz the songs keep coming. They’re one of two sources of joy I have left, the other being elijah my son. You’re blessed los. It’s like going to a place that won’t let you go back home. In every sense.

    • Ryan

      You are loved, Michael!

      • Michael

        Well… it would really be nice not to be the outsider for a change… I hate being so stinking different. Just wish there was a place to really worship our God… To be free and not so sinking uptight and polite. A place with actual flesh and bone people to talk to. I appreciate your comment ryan. I really do. I’m tired. I’m thankful that one day there might be peace from all this. That’s what I look forward to. Just to see Jesus… If I make that one. Guess we’ll see huh?

        • Chris

          We’re all damaged goods… that’s the point. So thankful we serve a merciful God who sent His Son for our imperfect lives. Christ never stops loving you. It’s sometimes hard to love our wives the way Christ loves us, and it’s sometimes hard for wives in this world to submit themselves like we should to Christ. So thankful that His love never fails. Hope you find a body of believers where you can spiritually grow and that shares your same passions.

  • http://furthermoreflask.blogspot.com/ flask

    i once meant to leave a church temporarily because i could not stand the interim pastor even though i had been on the committee that hired him.

    i loved the “temporary” church so much i stayed.

    more recently i was assaulted by a man who sometimes comes to our church and a lot of people are falling all over themselves to protect the perpetrator fromt eh consequences of his actions.

    apparently people are “uncomfortable”.

    they should be. everything about that thing is uncomfortable.

    if i’d been in an accident or had some surgery or gotten pneumonia they’d be praying all over me, but instead they’re uncomfortable, and those who do not blame me excuse themselves from caring for me because they’re “not mental health professionals”.

    well, they’re not trauma surgeons or oncologists or microbiologists, either.

    i am STILL not leaving that church.

    it would break my heart.

    • http://wordpress.com/upwordthinking amoyer

      I’m really proud of you for being strong and staying, despite the immaturity of others. It’s often difficult to recognize that people respond in a particular way (sometimes immaturity) bc they’re hurting, or uncomfortable, or confused.

  • B

    I was harshly excommunicated and told I was being “handed over to Satan” after I decided to leave my cheating husband and get a divorce. I had fallen for someone else as well. I was also called an adulteress and told that no matter what I did for the rest of my life I would always be a horrible adulteress. Of course my ex-husband was in no way treated so harshly. I, by no means, was in the right. But the way I was treated was so toxic and venomous that I’ve never returned to church and don’t think I ever will. In fact, I’m not sure if I even believe any of it anymore. The one thing I do know is that I never want to be part of a group of people who have the capacity to be so dark and cruel to one of their own. The weeks after my divorce were the darkest of my life and no one offered me any support. They were all just astonished that I would decide and take steps to end a marriage and be with someone else, even though my ex-husband had already done the same thing.

    I am now married to the man I fell for and we have a gorgeous baby son. We’ve been together for 4 years. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life and my christian “friends” have nothing to to with me and most have never apologized for the horrible things they said. Not ONE of them came to me to ask how I was or what the real story was. Everyone just harassed me based on hearsay and gossip. The people I count as friends now are not-religious, or if they are, we don’t talk about it and they are the most loving, accepting, and steadfast friends I’ve ever had in my life.

    An old college friend who I knew back then but wasn’t close to recently spent some time with me. She is very progressive in her beliefs so we can get along without any discomfort. She looked me in the eyes and told me that I seemed more like myself now than I ever had in college and I agreed. I feel more true now. I’m not hiding who I am to fit some conservative evangelical mold. I’m not maintaining a bunch of shallow relationships for the sake of “fellowship”. I’m much happier now and I don’t think I’ll ever go back.

    • http://jack0224.wordpress.com Jac

      B,
      I can relate to how you were treated and how you feel. I too, was looked down upon for getting a divorce from an emotionally and mentally abusive man. I can say, though, that it didn’t come from my home church or from my pastor. It all came from another pastor, who was the pastor of the church that the man I began dating after my divorce was on staff at (and the man I was dating is now my husband of 2 years). At the time the pastor told my husband (then just dating) that I was an adultress and anyone who entered into a relationship with me would be committing a sin. He told my husband to have nothing to do with me, not even friendship wise. The pastor called my mother to inquire about my divorce, as well as my own pastor. The pastor that gave me a hard time said that my pastor was too soft, and he also didn’t really listen to my mother (who is a christian counselor). I felt like I had the Scarlett Letter branded on me. It was very hard for me during that time. Many tears fell, and lots of anger welled up inside me. I was confused because this pastor didn’t even know me. Not once did he sit down to talk to me or ask me anything. He even called his own council (“The Daniel Council”) to ask their opinion in my situation (since I was seeing one of his staff members). My husband (then dating) stood his ground. He told his pastor that he could not cut his ties with me. My now-husband was let go from that church due to his decision to pursue a relationship with me. But during that time, I attended worship at that church a few times and attended my now-husband’s classes. There were so many other people who displayed the love of Christ, that whatever hurt spewed forth from that pastor couldn’t keep me from what I knew was in my heart. I know my story. I know where I have been. I know the hurt I have carried. That pastor chose not to get to know me. He chose to judge me. But aside from all of that, I knew who my God was and still is. It was not God condeming me or looking down on me. Christ walked with me every step of the way. He never left my side (and still hasn’t). My husband and I are now beginning the journey of church planting. God has restored and redeemed what was once a story of hurt. I am sorry that you were hurt. I am sorry that people chose to turn away from the way of Christ, and did not show the love of Christ to you. I pray that you will know the hope that is not lost. I pray that the love of Christ will be shown to you in a way that it hasn’t been revealed to you before. And I hope that one day, whenever you are ready, you will find a church family that loves you with that incredible love. Grace & peace to you friend.

      • http://www.parenthoodexperiment.blogspot.com Auntie J

        Ladies…if I can just say, you both had what I believe to be biblical grounds for divorce.

        I am sorry that you were both treated so harshly by people who should have known better.

        It’s hard to get past the stigma of divorce in a lot of Christian circles. That doesn’t change how wrong their treatment of you was.

        I hope you both can heal well from that. (Jac, obviously you’re well on your way.)

  • Mil

    I left my church because of too many changes. It started with a huge restructure(pastor, other workers, and eventually even the name). I understand that a large portion was necessary and the point of the services I felt changed from His word to the word of “we’re still the same.” To a large degree, it was the same, but immensely different. There was something taken from me that could not be replaced and the place that I had felt brought me back to Him was unfortunately not the place that I felt comfortable anymore. The church is thriving now, even more than before, but I can’t seem to bring myself to go back there. I’m still in search for a new church and visiting different ones often.

  • https://twitter.com/beautifulove116 Lauren

    I grew up in a typical church, but always felt something was missing. For starters, there was an overwhelming lack of community with an “in crowd” and “fringe people”. But more than that, I saw a lack of power. You know, the kind you see all over the New Testament and the birth of the Church. I remember approaching my college pastor with my concern that our church didn’t look like the Church Jesus created and he simply shrugged it off saying that the church is too far gone and can never return to that.

    It wasn’t long after that I left that church and for the next few years struggled with many frustrations and to be honest, bitter thoughts towards that church. But Jesus loves His Bride and He hates division and ultimately He desired for forgiveness to take place.

    Through a series of amazing God-moments and answered prayers, I found myself “plugged-in” to a house church that desired to be organic rather than mechanic and through my time there, I’ve grown to love not only my brothers and sisters there but also those from the church I grew up in.

    I’m so thankful for this. And thankful my old college pastor was wrong, he is just a man after all.

  • B

    I was kicked out, called names, told I was “being handed over to Satan” and turned against when I decided to divorce my cheating husband and fell for someone new. The way I was treated was so toxic and venomous that I haven’t been back except for twice and I shook with anger at the hypocrisy and anxiety the whole time.

    I don’t believe a lot of what I used to anymore and I have no desire to ever have close relationships with conservative christians again.

  • http://www.queenieslittlekingdom.com Wanda

    Yes. My husband was the pastor. We served, faithfully 6 years.

    Dissension seemed to be the way they liked to function best. Like many ministry families, we experienced abuse at the hands of a few who felt IT WAS THEIR CHURCH!

    My family hasn’t served in full-time ministry since.

    The only way to describe it is–> Lost. (Not salvation…just direction)

  • Kori

    I left the church I grew up in because of poor leadership. My youth leader would yell at us and even left us at a conference taking the medical release forms and money with him. It got to a point of when I would walk into the church a heaviness would appear in my chest that would make it hard to breathe. It would disappear when I walked back out.

  • BriAnne

    I left a church many years back and have yet to find a new home.. I left for a few different reasons.. the biggest was being laughed at by the pastors for asking questions.. Asking for help with understanding what I read, telling them I was struggling, telling them I was having a hard time praying.. 3 different pastors on 3 different levels within the church and all made me feel horrible.. Got told they never have my problems so they can’t help.. told I couldn’t be a Christian if I was asking those questions… or worse yet, being straight up ignored… a good friend brought me into that church, but left shortly before I did, due to getting married and having issues with the church as well.. as soon as she left, every friend I had made within the church disappeared on me.. they were just my friend because they were scared of my other friend.. never felt so hurt in all my life.. I left that place and never went back.. I knew that my faith was real, it just wasn’t strong.. I never let go of what I believe despite those people, but it just makes it so hard to walk into a new church.. never know what’s gonna happen the next time..

    • BriAnne

      Saddest part was that once they noticed I was gone, they started sending weekly letters “expressing their concern that all way OK with me” and a prestamped tithe envelope.. they wanted my money more than worrying about me..

  • Rae-Ann

    After being a non practicing Catholic for years I returned to the church. Loved it. I ended up working for a retirement home for priests. It ruined me. I loved many of the men there, lovely, kind moral beings. I even tried to come to terms with the FIVE formally charged pedophiles in this one small home.
    But it was the politics, the character of the men who led, the insidious nature of the ego that ran through the soul of the place.
    It made me ill, it made me think of how it must be at the highest levels if it lived like that way down the chain…I think “what would Jesus do?” and my answer seems to be ” Well he wouldnt have built a big gold palace in Italy”
    I am struggling, I beleive in my God with all my heart, but my church, Im pretty much gone.

    Your words often remind me of the faith and hope I have, thank You

  • Greg

    Yes. My family has left a church. We took a stand on a questionable issue related to a new volunteer youth leader and his record (fresh out of drug rehab and making fake ID’s for minors). There was no cooling off period or accountability set up for him. The interim pastor and several influential families (read: his relatives) decided to blacklist us and any ministries in which we were involved. It got to the point where people were shunning my kids. We couldn’t go to church without people avoiding us and our kids.

    We left and started a house church. Not sure I have it in my heart to go back to a traditional church.

    There’s mean and then there’s “church people” mean.

    • http://www.queenieslittlekingdom.com Wanda

      Greg–

      You hit the nail on the head with that one.

      My family still struggles to this day because of what happened to them at the hands of MEAN CHURCH people!

      I can understand not liking the pastor (my hubby) but to take it out on our kids was more than this mama heart could take.

      We still live in the same town as the church we served & left. (I don’t know why God has kept us here) Our youngest is going to be a HS senior this year. Each of our kids have grown, in spite of what has happened to them into amazing young adults who honor God with their lives.

      The years in seminary & ministry seem so strange to me now. For a long time, I struggled, coming to terms with leaving ministry was difficult. Especially when it was not due to sin on our part.

      I can’t help but feel sorry for churches who wound pastors/ministers. Accountability for this all too common behavior is inevitable.

  • Maggie

    After 10 years of being there, I left a church where the leadership was very secretive, deceptive, & manipulative. People there loved to abuse the term “God told me this about you..” (Don’t get me wrong-I do believe in discernment.) When I told the pastor I believed I was being called to another church body he told me I wasn’t hearing from God and that I would be destroying that other church’s vision. He also stated that if I left his church, the whole vision of the church would be destroyed and would have to be completely rearranged.(I was ONE of the many worship leaders and was writing a lot of worship songs at the time..maybe I was being used for my musical/songwriting ability?). —>If the whole vision was based on me,then it was DEFINITELY time to go. :)

    • Maggie

      since then, I’ve become very skeptical when it comes to church. Sadly.

      • Rachel

        Oh boy, that sounds familiar… I will never miss the meetings where I was being yelled at and called stupid and being told that I was a compromiser and not hearing God. For writing my own music that didn’t “”fit in”. I always wondered, “If you really think that, should you really keep paying me to run the worship and productions?”

  • Emily

    I left a church because I was treated horribly for getting help for my bipolar. It was the healthiest decision I’ve made in a long time. I couldn’t stay in a place where I was told I was wrong, grieving the Holy Spirit, etc. for taking medication to keep me stable.

    I’ve since found a wonderful small church full of supportive friends who lead me to Jesus.

    Although leaving my old church was hard and painful, I got an amazing church family now that I can lean on in my time of need.

  • Albert

    I left my old church because the pastors lied to me and my family’s faces about excusing me from serving the church. I was a youth counselor for 4 years and though there were some disagreements, I thought it was a decent working relationship. I loved serving the students and we made it work.

    But last August, the pastors said they took a poll among all other counselors and everyone voted I leave. I asked why and who would do such a thing. Pastors said it’s unanimous and you can’t serve here anymore — no examples, no reasons for my dismissal. I went home to call my fellow counselors and they all said they were NEVER ASKED about a poll. Pastors just straight up played politics and lied to me. I asked the senior pastor what’s going on and when he checked with those pastors, he said there was a mistake and there’s no poll taken. Horror.

    To top it off, I shared my situation with my friend at the church, who I shared great times with through the years. I needed help to grasp this shock. Surprise, NO ONE came to my aid — they were all unresponsive. No “I’m sorry”, no “let me pray for you”. Nothing. So I walked away from that church in search for another.

    Ugly, huh?

  • http://www.impactproductionsllc.com JT

    My wife and I both worked at a church where everyone was afraid of the leader and if anyone said anything contrary to what the leader liked/believed there would be drastic consequences (We saw a turnover of 10-15 staff persons in one year).

    We would suggest solutions to common/obvious problems in the organization via staff meetings, however, we were quickly ostracized and deemed as not being team players and against the vision of the leader. We both submitted our resignations and to make a long story short…when we went to work the next day, our computer was confiscated and we were told that we had to leave immediately.

    I wouldn’t change a thing because that situation led us to our current church that we TOTALLY LOVE!!!

  • http://waterwatereverywhere.net Sarah @MainlineMom

    Yeah…we left my childhood church (LCMS)when I started attending confirmation classes and my a parents decided they just didn’t line up doctrinally with what the pastor was teaching me. Settled at a PCA church…they experienced a split years later when the elders asked the pastor to step down. We stayed but half left. He eventually got divorced. Then as an adult my favorite pastor was caught in an affair and asked to step down. Broke my heart. He went through restoration and continued attending as a member but no longer on staff. That was a good thing to see.

  • http://aboutben.wordpress.com Ben

    I attended the same church for 10 years. I did two years and a summer of internships. Literally gave my life for this place. It was truly my second home. Got hired on in the youth dept. and later moved up to the media dept. I felt “called” to be a Pastor so this was my road to my future, or so I thought.

    I worked there for three years and at about year 2 I started having some questions – genuine, honest questions about church and why it was done the way it was; why, when I read the Bible and then looked at church it often times looked drastically different. Why it had to be a big show. Why we wasted so much money on stupid crap. Why we had so many prayer meetings while doing little that actually mattered.

    Well, turns out questions weren’t readily accepted by the leadership. I had many closed door meeting where I got chewed out because the church, according to them, looked exactly how it should and all of my questions were irrelevant. I was basically forced to apologize for everything or else get fired. So I did, but immediately began looking for a new job, which I found one very long year later.

    Shortly after quitting, I left the church and haven’t found one since. Part of it is nice. I enjoy being and working with real people on a day to day basis, but I’ve lost about all my friends, which sucks. I really don’t know what to do now. I’ve given up on being in ministry, at least ministry that looks like that. But it’ll be alright. Things seem to be falling in place for me lately, so I’m confident that God has me on the right path even though I feel strangely distant from him.

  • RS

    I left a church after I started questioning whether or not it was a “church”…No church structure/elders/deacons/membership, no accountability, and only teaching of ideas, not preaching God’s word.

    They brought in the numbers and pumped out the coffee. Looked great on paper, but few were being saved.

  • http://www.chrisburke.ca Chris Burke

    Oh boy Los.. Are you sure you’re ready for this one..

    1st year college, after a 2 year search my church finally found a pastor that met the needs of our congregation.. Interview was spot on, preaching during “the call” was spot on… One we hired her (that’s a whole other topic)… Everything changed.. It was like she was a totally different person.. Her first sermon as the pastor was exactly the opposite of anything our congregation wanted (we were spiritually mature, charismatic Anglican church.. Very hungry for the MEAT of te bible.. Not the baby food… Well she was also for gay marriage (again.. Another topic).. And wanted our church to be a place where they could perform gay weddings… We were not into that.. No problem with gay people.. Just not going to condone the sin.. Anyway, very few people took a stand.. But myself and the rest of the worship team did.. We were called every terrible thing you could think of.. Then she got the bishop to come and have a meeting with us, because he was also in favor of gay marriage.. He tried to change our minds, we stood strong… He also called every terrible thing you can think of.. Then formally l, on paper an everything, kicked us out of the church.. Told never to come back.. And I, as an evangelist, was told I’d “never work in this diocese”.. I was black listed by the bishop… We actually all had formal letters we prepared to resign from our position, just incase they didn’t change their hearts… So we hand our resignation letters to the bish, and he hands our “excommunication” letters.. It was weird!

    The following Sunday, myself and the WHOLE worship team were churchless.. We eventually found a place to worship.. And now I’m living in Ontario instead of New Brinswick, working as a worship pastor.. The old church that kicked us out, still doesn’t have a worship team (10 years have passed) they have 1 really, really bad piano player…

    That’s my story of “leaving a church”

  • Jeremy

    I left the church I was attending because I got to thinking about the nature of Truth. If there is absolute Truth (which I believed there was), it would follow that there could not be multiple denominations claiming that they preach the truth when, at the same time, they are saying different things. This is especially seen in how each church thinks it’s interpretation on the Scriptures is the correct one, and is taken to an even greater extreme when each individual person starts thinking they know the correct interpretation of the Scriptures. Essentially, every person becomes their own Pope and begins to Pontificate their own nonsensical opinions, which only creates further schisms.

    During my searching, I came across the Orthodox Church. In studying Orthodoxy, I became firmly convinced that the Orthodox Church had faithfully preserved the teachings of Christ given to His Apostles and that we, through the succession of bishops from the Apostles, can be apart of the Church that Christ Himself founded on the day of Pentecost. The Orthodox Church is the only Bride of Christ, the only Body of it’s Head, Christ. There can only be one. Truth demands it.

  • Aldous

    I stayed because God is faithful.
    I stayed because we are imperfect people.
    I stayed because I humbled myself to give all to God.

    I honestly would leave if I had to relocate for job or missions.

    • Albert

      Nice words, but I don’t think your comment has a place in this discussion. There’s a lot of pain, broken hearts and stories here that need listening and reassurance here. Sorry man.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003406358397 Helena

      Dear Pastor Dotson,I was so happy to hear about your church today from one of your meebmrs, Keith Copeland. I am from Maryville, TN, and my wife from Corby, Northamptonshire. We met while I was in Kettering on a church-planting trip in 2005. Now after almost three years of marriage our church is sending us back to England permanently as church planting missionaries. We are just starting deputation to raise our support, so it will be about two years before we are settled there, but it would be an honor to meet you one day. Brother Copeland heard us speaking about the needs in England on FBN Radio and called us with an encouraging word. He told us that you have been in England for 25 years and are originally from Georgia. We are thankful to hear about another good church in England, and pray that the Lord blesses your labour in the Lord.

    • LC

      To Aldous: I believe that you are sincere in your comments, but maybe you need to hear the rest of the story. I attended a pentecostal church for almost 20 years. Some would think it was my imagination, but what happened to me was real. The pastor developed a personal dislike of me and I have some suspicions why, but that is beside the point I am trying to make. After years of him pointing directly at me and accusing me publicly in a congregation of hundreds of people, with me having no possible way to defend myself. But because I love God with all my heart and always wanted to believe that things would change, I stayed year after year, determined to do the “right thing” and refusing to leave the church even after this was done to me over and over again. Someone I shared this with confidentially commented that she beleived this pastor was jealous of me and that was the confirmation I needed to hear. After meeting with him more than once to see if there was something I could do to repair the relationship, he assured me that all was well and I did not have to change a thing. Two weeks later he attacked me again in a sermon, and that was the day I knew I had better leave. God gave me the scripture about wiping the dust off my feet, and that was all I needed to know.
      Don’t assume that because this type of thing has never happened to you, that things like this are made up or exaggerated. Also, don’t assume that pastors and leaders are always right in every situation. I have made up my mind to forgive this man, but he is not God. I never expected him to be perfect, but I did expect him to exhibit the “love of God” that he loves to preach about. I know God is faithful, but He is faithful because that is his character, not because I choose to stay in an abusive church atmosphere.

  • Ash

    I am humbled blessed and feeling rather overwhelmed by reading these stories… I think so many times that we think we are alone. I know that I am not but to read these stories I understand. None the less… My story.. My sister and I grew up in the same church our whole lives. We were raised sleeping on the pews, giggling during service, knowing everyone. We were part of a community a family. So we thought. My sister in HS decided that she was going to experiment with her sexuality and sought our pastor of many years for guidance. She wanted someone to help.. she was screaming for help.. in return she was shunned saying she was no longer allowed in the only place she was comfortable. In the only place she felt Love. They told her she was unclean and wrong. That she had committed the unforgivable sin. She called me bawling and told me the events that transpired. Furious of course.. my baby sister had sought out love and forgiveness and hope… and was only given hate judged and literally physically escorted out of the doors of our church. What had happened here.. we both began a life of hate and bitterness running far as we could of these Jesus lovers… these people that since we were small taught us to be kind to love them through the sin… Why did my sister not get that… Long story short.. We are both in an amazing church these days.. Serving… Serving girls that were in the same boat my sister was in.. with compassion and hope and Love with forgiveness… Sometimes… we put ourselves in front of God and it has to be him becoming greater and Us becoming less so that he may be glorified.. so that our loved ones… aren’t scared away…

  • http://willpershing.net Will Pershing

    I have had to leave fellowships several times for various reasons. Some of those reasons were good…some were due to immaturity on my part. We have not found a church yet…but in looking we have grown and discovered what we “don’t” believe and have pursued what we “do” believe.

    The part we have really struggled with is that folks seem to have forgotten about what being hospitable means. Being disabled I have been called every name in the book and told that my faith isn’t real. The have no idea how hurtful it is to be told that your illness is a sign that you do not have enough faith…

  • Brandon

    After being heavily involved as a teenager/young adult for years at my small church, I stood in the pastor’s office and told him how much I was struggling with life and my parent’s divorce. I stopped going there shortly after, and I have never received a phone call or anything wondering where/how I’ve been. No one has come after me.

    Thankfully I eventually started going somewhere else with my best friend and his family. It’s been nice. Still hurts though that I haven’t received one phone call wondering where I am every Sunday.

    • Albert

      Brandon, I know a pain very similar to what you’ve experience with no one calling back. To be brutally honest, I sometimes ask myself, “if I died, would any of those people care?” I can’t help but often think no.

      I want to encourage you that people do care and they are out there, ready to hear your story too. PTL you also found a place where you are safe. Thanks for sharing your story. Really appreciate it.

  • http://www.trevobuilder.com/SoCal Sharon Jahr

    When positions matter far more than people, it’s heartbreaking.

    This is such an incredibly sad strain of comments, primarily because they are only the tip of the iceberg of hurting people in, or recently out of, our congregations.

  • http://sprignaturemoves.com/blog wvpv

    We left our church of 14 years because the pastor was a stuffy and domineering jerk who sabotaged anyone who didn’t do things his way. Nice enough guy until you worked with him closely. He got what he wanted.

    It’s been 2 years and it’s still raw. Feel like a pissed-off refugee. I’m not the same anymore.

    I’m encouraged by my small group that has stuck together. Not sure what life would be without them.

  • Kelly C

    I’ve left a few churches due to a split or that my parents just didn’t want to go to anymore because they felt the spirit leading them elsewhere. I’ve left a few on my own due to relocating but aside from that there has only been really ONE that was my decision. I was 22 and had just gotten back from chaperoning a youth trip. I was super involved and was practically a daughter to the pastor and his wife. I babysat their daughter, housesat for them during trips, blablabla. We were close. One Sunday night after the trip, I was on my way to church to lead youth. I pulled into the parking lot and just felt the most uncomfortable feeling ever. It was a death. I decided to stay for the service but I managed to feel more and more awkward throughout the night and knew this would be my last night there. It turns out that some of the tithe money was being given to fund their sons’ personal ambitions, among other things, all done in secrecy. To this day the church has such turn around. There is no growth. I tried to maintain contact prior to finding out what was going on behind the scenes and it was immediately declined. Sad.

  • S Marshall

    I left after 10 years of service in ministry and leadership because (among many other factors), I grew tired off planning events and parties for ourselves. I am now calling this our “wilderness time” as we seek another place that feels like home, knowing that people are imperfect and church is flawed, but that God is good, real, and wonderful. The hardest things has been to realize that most relationships stay with the church…but that has made the ones that stuck and the new ones even more precious to us.

  • Cynthia

    January 2, 2011 the lead pastor of our present church and his wife came to see my in-laws who were the associate pastor and children’s education coordinator (they also did most of the marriage and financial counseling for the church b/c they had been trained in another church and had the integrity to speak into other people’s lives in that area). He confessed things to them in confidence and they offered accountability for them along with counseling. Feburary 9, 2011 the lead pastor confronts my FIL at the church offices and tells him that his wife is perfectly happy with the way things are at home and that my MIL was just a manipulative woman who needed to be put in her place. My FIL told him that if he thought they were in the way there and were not of any benefit to him, then they would step down – the pastor said fine. My husband (who was on staff as the main youth director and also in charge of multimedia design) called me at work and said “dad just called and resigned from the church, what should we do?” This was the church they had been a part of for 17 years, I had been there for 10 years. I remember hearing myself tell him “you have too much of your mom in you for him to tolerate you for too long, and if he thinks that of her [being manipulative and controlling], then he thinks that of you too.” So my husband resigned from his job as well. The sad thing about the structure of that church was that if you were in leadership and needed to step down from your position for any reason, it was just a matter of time before you were shunned right out the door. So, we didn’t even attempt to attend as members only since the lead pastor had declared such strong feelings about our character. Another sad thing, is that the culture built in that place taught you that if anyone left the church for any reason, they must disagree with their teaching so you can’t be friends with them anymore or they will poison your mind. So all of the people who were in our wedding and people we considered closer to us than some of our own family shut us out immediately. It’s been almost 18 months and we are still church orphans – no home church, no community of believers to lean on or confide in. Another of our friends left the same church 5 months after us and we’ve slowly tried to reconnect with them – and we’re all realizing that after that long in one church and living in such a culture, the “detox period” takes a while. I’ve described it before as the “Bourne Identity effect” where I’ve woken up from being brainwashed and now I’m trying to figure out the Truth.

  • http://justalik.blogspot.com Saidah

    I was a “hardcore” volunteer at my last church (in SoCal). Then I got married to someone not a lot of people knew and a bunch of my “friends” started (literally) taking bets on how long it would be until I got divorced. Then some of our Christian “friends” and then-roommates scammed us out of hundreds of dollars and trashed our stuff and our reputation (the church suggested that we weren’t praying for them).
    Then my husband got a job in Oregon. So we left that church and decided that in the future, we’d find better things to do with our Sundays and our ten percent. Then I started reading Richard Dawkins and I never looked back.

    • LC

      this comment is to Saidah: Even though I left my former church I never once thought of leaving my relationship with my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
      You are fulfilling the scripture that speaks of “the blind leading the blind”. I will find another church eventually and I trust that God will lead me to the right one. However, you have turned your back on the one who loves you more than we can imagine. Believe me, you cannot say that you were ever a true christian if you can turn to such an ungodly man for counsel. (Read Psalm 1).The devil did such a number on you that he got you exactly where he wanted you.
      God still loves you but Richard Dawkins does not even know you (is he still alive, by the way). Beleive me,
      unless he repents he will find out soon enough that there is a God, and by then it will be too late. Your friends were wrong in what they did, and I do not deny your hurt, but guess what? What you did was even worse, because you have denied the one who died for your sins. Your attitude at this point is not only dangerous for you, but also for this husband you claim to love so much. How can you turn away from Jesus when he is so much in love with you? Even though he does not like what you are doing, His love for you does not change. Turn back to Him and allow him to heal your heart. He will lead you and your husband to people that are genuine Christians. Please repent of this, Saidah. All it takes is one prayer and Jesus will wipe away every tear, He will bring beauty out of the ashes in your life.

  • Bluelunar

    I don’t think it’d help for me to share the exact situation, but I just want to thank you for this :

    “And whenever these people tell of their stories they almost always get criticized for “church bashing”.
    That’s like telling someone that their wounds are not real and to ignore the abuser.”

    Thank you for being the one person who actually seems to think this with me. Thank you.

  • Bluelunar

    Just to say though, I’ve never had issues like any of the above, I am just glad that someone is actually saying we shouldn’t ignore problems just ’cause they are in the Church :)

    • Albert

      Exactly! :)

  • http://www.chriswalkerlive.com Chris Walker

    My heart hurt as I read the stories above. I don’t know where to begin with my own story. I have noticed a pattern for me though. The more involved I become, the more frustrated I get. When I get to see behind the curtain, it is rare that it matches the show that happens on Sunday. I have even tried not getting involved in order to stay oblivious to it all, but it is not in my spirit to stand by. I find myself gravitating to leadership roles only to get push back from staff on my ideas or the way I do things. When I can’t serve the way I want to serve, it is no longer serving. I lose the joy and it just becomes work. It is like they want to close me up in a box and I don’t have room to do anything.

    In every church I have ever attended regularly, I feel like a puzzle piece that refuses to fit in. Los, I also feel like I make the church unhealthy. I feel like I disrupt what they are doing and it makes everyone mad. But I know that there needs to be some disrupting. I have left serving roles so as not to destroy the chemistry of the established leadership.

    I feel like my gifts are not well accepted by the church. So I often feel isolated. I follow a pattern from involvement to estrangement. I can’t decide if I love the church or I hate it. And when attending church becomes painful and legalistic, that is when I have left or stopped going for a while.

    Thankfully, I believe the church exists outside of the four walls of church buildings. It exists outside of denominations and traditions. So from my perspective, I never left a church or changed churches. I just made a change in environment or location. The church that I never want to leave is everywhere and in everyone that I meet.

  • Cyndi

    Yes, been there done that! Adultery, misappropriation of funds. No repentance and no accountability by leaders to remove the person (the pastor).

    My question now is if we say we want to not be known for swapping sheep, where do all of these hurt and loss sheep go?

  • NR

    Wow. I read a lot of the stories posted here and it is such a shame what “the church” has come to. I understand that we’re all imperfect and churches are ran by fallible folks but, some of these stories exemplify such blatant handy-work of Satan. He is in the church and surely influencing those running them in a very scary way. A little over a year ago I quit as a staff member of a an church from the south that planted a church on the west coast. I started out serving. My whole family served in a very large capacity. I won’t get in to too many specifics but lots of unbiblical shifts being implemented and allowed. Leadership was attempting to draw in wealthy people and those with any sort of “fame” under their belt. This was specified and became an unspoken rule about who the staff was to cater to. It became a “celebrity” driven atmosphere. Especially in the way the Pastor was treated. Flew in a private jet, had black Escalades drive him around. Ushers were to act more like secret service. Paid musicians that weren’t members of the church or Believers at all. People known to have severe demonic oppression were allowed to have leadership positions. Staff was always looking for ways to boost tithing. I could keep going. But people are afraid to leave because of the dog and pony show they put on every week. The fake importance they show volunteers but won’t so much as give them a bottle of water on a hot day. Why do people choose to stay in an environment like that? It’s simply Satan keeping them tied down. People are bound be religiosity and sparkle. Because glitz makes people feel good and glamour keeps them returning. Don’t ever fall for those tricks. Don’t let them tell you that you can’t leave. That’s manipulation. That’s demonic. And unfortunately people are being turned away from churches daily because of this behavior. It’s sad.

  • http://www.parenthoodexperiment.blogspot.com Auntie J

    Three big stories…

    One, we left because the pastor and church board were clearly espousing actions that were vehemently not in line with the bible (i.e., getting their hands on a letter sent to some congregation members–but not the pastor, staff,or board–but not all, written by a member who had left several months previously, apologizing to those people, and the pastor and board drafted a horrible response to a letter they never received). When the pastor started talking more about “his church” than “God’s church,” it was clear there was a problem.

    Two, we left one church because my husband’s resignation was forced after the senior pastor deliberately sabotaged his ability to meet his job goals. I lost all respect for that pastor as a result of his actions. It took us nearly a year and a half to heal from that and be ready for the next church (where my husband now works, and it’s wonderful).

    Three, and I wanted to include this one for a reason, was the last church we attended in Columbus, OH, before we moved to PA. We did not leave due to problems in the church. We did not leave due to conflict, or obvious sin on the part of the pastor/staff, or because somebody changed the carpet from blue to red (it’s happened, you know). It broke our hearts to leave. But God had asked us to.

    We were heavily involved in that church. We loved the people. We had close friends there. My husband was on the worship team. I was on the technical team.

    And God had made it clear that we were anticipating a new calling. Hubby had been called to full-time ministry years before, and God had reminded him of that…and said “Be ready.” In order to *be* ready, God asked us to leave…so that we could be free of entanglements and commitments that would make it harder for us to leave.

    It was difficult. It was heart-wrenching. Saying goodbye to our friends was terribly hard. But God had prepared our friends, who confirmed what God was doing when we told them…because every last one of them said, “Well, we’ve been wondering what’s been keeping you here….”

    Sometimes, leaving a church is a GOOD thing, and this was one of those times.

    It was a higher calling, since the original call was the second church-leaving I mentioned, but it was worth it. All the way.

  • http://brendasbrainchild.blogspot.com Brenda

    I grew up attending church, but it was only after I moved away that I could really see areas of unhealth. I didn’t really attend church in college because I attended a Christian university, and having to attend chapel five days a week while surrounded by Christian community made church seem superfluous. When I left school, I was badly hurt by some leaders who were demanding that I change my life on their terms and timeline. It’s not that I disagreed with the choices they wanted me to make, but I just couldn’t get there fast enough. I didn’t attend church for almost a year after that, because I was so afraid of being rejected for not being perfect. I was afraid that if I showed the mess that I was, that Christians would judge me and made me feel worthless, because that’s what had happened to me before. Fortunately, when I did decide to give church another chance because I was so lonely, I found a church that has been nothing but wonderful to me.

    • http://brendasbrainchild.blogspot.com Brenda

      I also want to add that the church I grew up in did go through a split shortly after I left for college. As sad as it was to hear, I was thankful I was spared the drama and pain of being in it.

  • Kelly Miller

    I, too am sad to hear these stories and I too have left a church and sought another one- one where I am among broken, healing Christ-lovers and feel at home, fed, supported and in the right place at the right time. I left because the rest of my family was refusing to attend and it was not enough for me- two pastors in a row who devalued the investment in kids and youth I felt was so important -don’t get me wrong- there were programs for both age groups- but they met the needs of a few and one pastor even resented the time spent on VBS as he felt it was taken advantage of by parents for “babysitting”–so what- God’s word can’t go forth void so who cares why the kids are there? while they’re there we got to love them and teach them God’s word!! I had many of the same experiences others have told: no phone calls to find out how or where I was, no interest in my ideas for doing things differently, shallow relationships, lack of acceptance or support for others who really had needs, etc..

    So when my teens and husband stopped going to church I searched for something different.
    and I found it in the town right down the road–Freshlife Church in Kalispell, MT

    check out the website and invite some unsaved friends over on Saturday or Sunday night this weekend to view Skull Church online

    and if you feel like making a move–or taking a vacation –come visit Freshlife Church in Kalispell, MT!!!!! Where God is doing some amazing things!!!!

  • singingnewyorker

    Our pastor’s wife started monitoring everyone’s twitter & FB accounts & reporting back to her husband. We got called into a meeting & got BLASTED. The pastor said we should only write Ra Ra Jesus on our sites. They let us know we were no longer welcome. We copied & pasted stuff from Francis Chan & others. He told us we should never acknowledge that there’s anything wrong in the church of Jesus Christ.

  • http://eatsleepreadlove.wordpress.com Saskia

    I left my church because my physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive fiancé was granted more support than I was when I finally left him after five years of hell, just because he was a life-long member and in seminary to boot, and I was “just” a convert.

  • http://www.calebbreakey.com Caleb

    It’s not hard to rattle off reasons for leaving the church.

    There’s no community, no authenticity. People are two-faced if not altogether fake. Action takes a back seat to appearance. There’s too much judgment and too little grace. It’s too comfortable instead of missional. The whole scene just leaves a bad taste. Jesus himself would burst through the doors and turn over tables.

    Or … would he?

    If you believe your church is maliciously shaming God for personal gain, that’s one thing. Turn the tables and leave.

    But what if your church desperately needs more love, or truth, or both, because it doesn’t know what it’s doing? (Luke 23:34). What if others in your church feel the same way you do but are too afraid to speak up? What if God started nudging you to lead your church to Jesus, a whole Jesus, and nothing but Jesus?

    People who need examples of love and truth aren’t just in deepest darkest Africa. They’re in your church.

    For every church in which Jesus would turn tables, there are one hundred more in which He would enter and say, “He who has ears, let him hear.”

    Healing the church is hard. Harder than quitting church, harder than forming your own church, harder than sharing Jesus to a world that hates him. Healing her might be the hardest thing you ever do. She’s the kind who will poke your eye as you’re examining her wounds. The kind who will stomp your foot as you’re bringing her medicine. The kind who will call you a baby as she sucks on her thumb.

    But if undefiled religion is caring for those who cannot possibly repay you, how much more undefiled is religion that cares for destitute people who are also cruelly stubborn?

    You won’t see the church transform into a thriving, authentic community overnight. You won’t hear her speaking the way you do anytime soon. You won’t sense her spiritual pulse spike just because you’ve chosen to invest in her.

    But you will experience subtle moments of thrilling change.
    Moments when, yes, the pastor curbed his tone on that issue. Moments when, yes, these brothers and sisters are becoming more sensitive to the spirit. Moments when, yes, radiant love for Jesus creates an intense ripple effect within the Body—chair-by-chair, person-by-person.

    That said, it takes a radiant lover of Jesus to kick-start this change.

    That said, few of these radiant lovers remain in church.

    That said, is Jesus stirring you to do the hard work of love? Is he nudging you to heal his bride?

    The church is beaten and bruised alongside the road. She’s naked, dirty, an eyesore to believers and non-believers alike. Loving her is hard, but she is the love of our first love. Jesus Christ will never leave her nor forsake her. He will go to her, pick her up, and heal her.

    We too must go to her.

    We too must love her.

    If you’ve left the church, I feel your hurt. I know your pain. Being a part of a difficult church, with a difficult pastor, who leads a bunch of difficult people—is ruthless. It’s downright impossible sometimes.

    The good news is that authentic love is impossible. That’s why Jesus equips us with the supernatural: the Holy Spirit. We were created for the unimaginable. The unreasonable. The hard work of love.

    But will we do them?

    We know from the Bible that we are the agents God uses to accomplish His mission. So when God says that He will build his church—and that the gates of hell will not prevail against it (Matthew 16:18)— He means that He’s going to use you and me in the construction.

    Leaving the church because it’s not working out the way we think it should, doesn’t build the church. Living as a reflection of Jesus in our churches, does.

    There’s a scene in the movie Book of Eli when Denzel Washington, the hero, walks away from a girl being raped.

    Every time I see that scene, my heart breaks. I want him to climb down the hill, kick some bad guy butt, take the girl into his arms, and tell her she’s okay.

    But he walks away. The girl “isn’t his problem.”

    Some parts of the Body are in desperate trouble, just like that girl. But unlike the Book of Eli girl, most churches don’t know it. They don’t know what’s wrong with them because they’ve never known any different.

    So run. Take her into your arms. Tell her it doesn’t have to be this way.

    Show her that Jesus wants to flip her world upside-down.

    Be a true revolutionary.

    Much love and grace to all of you, my Brothers and Sisters.

    • Chelsea

      *sometimes* it’s okay to leave a church. It’s all well and good to say that you should stay and try to fix things, but sometimes you are just not in a position to do it. Some people refuse to change.

      I felt called to leave an old church that just wasn’t a good church. The reasons are numerous. A lot of people at that church stopped speaking to me entirely (literally avoiding me in public) after I left. The whole experience was very painful and I’m glad to have been led to a different church shortly after leaving.

      I would just tell anyone who has been struggling for a long time about whether or not to leave their current church– pray about it. Take your time. But don’t let anyone tell you that you are absolutely sinning if you go.

    • Theda

      amen and Thank You.

  • tamara cosby

    We left a church many years ago because we had found out about an affair a couple had been having with another couple and went to the church leadership for advice on what to do…and instead of helping us, they said we were gossiping. They then proceeded to put one of the couples kn charge of a marriage Sunday school class.

    It hurt us spirituallly in ways I believe 10 years later we are still recovering from. I wish they had admitted to something …anything they had done wrong. Instead, they just wrote us off. It still hurts to even type this.

  • Nashvillegirl

    My husband and I recently left a church where I had been on staff for 2 years. A place where we felt God had led us to. A place where we felt like we would have ministry and could make a difference. A place where we wanted to create a family. A place that has left us scarred and bruised.
    Years and years of dysfunction have built up in this place. A pastor and his family that are running this church to please and profit themselves. And a congregation that is dazzled by the smoke and mirrors, literally saying “I don’t want to know” when presented with the problems of this church.
    There are too many examples to give. Misuse of money. FB and Twitter stalking. Ministries being ignored and killed. Staff members who spend more time online than they do working. A pastor who is willing to yell at and threaten his staff in front of elders. (Then later they all share a laugh about it when hearing how hurt and upset the staff was.) On and On and On and On. It was an exhausting place to be.
    I don’t know when we’ll have the desire or strength to go back into any church. But I’m hoping that someday we will.

    • DL

      Wow! I actually relate almost identically to this story. In my case, it’s not just the members of the church that are enamored by the smoke and mirrors. Our presbytery and most of the denomination continue to exalt this pastor’s ministry and his family. If any former member ever tries to challenge the perception, they are called gossipers, maligners, and told they were sinning by leaving in the first place.

      Anyway, I just wanted to say that I could really identify with your description of your experience and some of the pain that probably has gone with it.

  • AtlantaGirl

    I helped to launch the last church I attended. It was a glorious thing, with a dynamic, passionate pastor, who seemed to genuinely care about the welfare of his flock, and even beyond his flock – for all of Atlanta.

    Almost from Day 1, people started seeing the “real deal” and began to leave the church in droves. One key player after another – and we were *all* key in our own way, because there was such a small, tight-knit group of volunteers doing all the back-breaking work – decided to leave.

    I hung in there for a while, but it quickly became apparent that the pastor of this church was a much better fund-raiser than a pastor, his wife was a shrill helicopter mom/wife who would not engage in any conversation that even bordered on the negative about her precious hubby (in fact, after the church was handed over to “new management,” so to speak, went public on her blog and blasted those of us who worked so hard and felt so hurt and abandoned after the fall of the church – with comments turned OFF, of course, because we wouldn’t want to engage in healthy dialogue), and then there were questions by some about how the money the pastor was raising was being used, as he and his huge family were constantly taking trips out of town and going on vacations.

    It was a draining experience for me, but in some ways also a positive one. My faith grew exponentially while I was at that church, I had opportunities to work in outreach programs that literally changed my life, and it helped me define my relationship with God and my place in the Body of Christ. For those reasons, I can’t say that I regret being a part of the church. When the pastor packed up to leave for the other coast, though, there were lots of hurt and angry people left behind.

    I haven’t been back to church since then, and I don’t think I will be going back. I have an amazing community of friends and family with whom I share God and His love and I pray and I read His Word often, so I just don’t feel the loss or absence of the “show” that so many churches have become now.

  • Christopher

    I really just want to say how much it hurts to see the bride of Christ be the cause of this.

    I’ve heard that the most common single word that comes to any one’s mind when you ask them what the think of the church is “judgmental” and I can’t say I disagree.

    I’ve never left a church in a situation as dramatic or damaging as any of these, but I can resonate with it. The feeling that there’s an ‘in-crowd’ and I’m not in it. The feeling that the leadership isn’t being as open and forward as they should be.

  • http://jasoncormier.tumblr.com/ Jason Cormier

    I, along with my wife and 2 year old ended up bankrupt, without a place to live, and jobless because a preacher friend, and my mentor ripped us off and bankrupted us in a real estate deal gone wrong. Had to sell 80% of our possessions just to be able to travel to my family house to crash.

    This guy ended up preaching against us to the church and talking bad about us and made us out to be the villains. Have never stepped foot in a church since.

  • http://www.classicchristianity.net Cara

    Long ago and far away, when we had only been married a few years and I was still in my cutie-patootie-twenties, we left a church. We didn’t confront the pastor about the problem, we didn’t tell the elder board what had transpired. In retrospect, I have a lot of regrets about this. It is far too late now – in fact the pastor has passed away, and had left the ministry prior to that. Nonetheless…we did not handle the situation well. In the presence of sin, we failed to follow the Biblical model. So thankful that we have a church home today that is a blessing, and a place we can serve God.

  • Dave

    I was raised is a split home. My parents divorced when I was 1. My dad is a very conservative, KJV only, Baptist. My mom wanted to party. She remarried when I was 7 and when I was 8 we started attending a church. It had Baptist roots, but was a pentecostal church really. After about 10 years, my step-dad felt the call to preach, and after awhile he went to seminary and became the Associate Pastor at this church. The church was one of the leading churches of the community. Definitely had the most outreach and did the most for the community, although we never ran in attendance over 500. Then something changed. The economy went to pots, and the church became self-centered. Outreach ministries were cut off. It became who’s who, who did what, etc. My sisters and the pastor’s daughters were friends, but at times they would be at odds. My sisters always got the blame from the pastor. My step-dad just remained silent. The pastor told my step-dad that my mom was ‘his’ weakest link in leadership. He was told to get her inline. I graduated from Bible College and came home to work with the youth. The previous youth group meetings were basketball and pizza, movies and dating. I decided to also include Jesus. We can have fun, but lets open up our Bibles. After two weeks of that, I was told to not do it again, just let them have fun. Then he (the pastor) decided we would run the youth ‘together’. Part of the youth was a drama ministry. The pastor’s nephew would get kicked off the team all the time for drugs. Then the pastor would let him back on. After about four or five times of that cycle, I told my wife, if that young man was allowed back on, we were stepping down off that ministry. Of course, he was. I told him I was stepping down. He told me if I didn’t trust him, I needed to ‘hit the road’. He called my parents (I’m a married man??) and complained about it. My mom said I made the right stand. After years of domineering abuse, she had had enough. Two years ago my step-dad told the pastor he was moving on. No blame, just time to go. We had been at that church 20 years, my step-dad the associate pastor for 10. My family started getting blamed for this, that, and the other (and we were completely separated from that ministry). My mom gets phone calls from people that never stepped foot in the doors there and they were asking, “Are you ok? We heard you went crazy? We heard you led your husband out of your church?…” Months went by. This couple left. They were blamed too. Then another couple left, and they were satan’s spawn. Now the doors are closed of that church. There will never be another moment to work in ministry with some of the greatest people I’ve known again. It’s sad. BUT, there is a bright side. We have plugged into an amazing, healthy church. We had to heal, reprogram our minds, and learn again who we were, but Christ has brought freedom, forgiveness, and so much more back into our lives. But sometimes I think, and I’m sad for that man. I’m sad for his family. To live in such denial…I couldn’t imagine. You know, true freedom doesn’t come until responsibility is accepted.

  • Mackenzie

    I’m in the process of leaving the church I was raised in, where my grandfather was an elder before he died. There are so many people there who show up every Sunday, but still don’t get saved, because all they hear is that they are sinners, they are sinners they are sinners. There are rare moments where Christ’s work is explained properly, but the focus is on us and how sinful we are, rather than on God and how merciful and loving He is.
    Growing up in this toxic environment has messed me up. From the age of 7 I was being told that I was a Jezebel, a whore, despite being a perfectly well behaved daddy’s girl and teachers pet. That planted a seed of self-loathing, and after being abused by a boy for a few years, I branded myself a whore. I self-harm, and the first word I carved into myself was the word ‘whore’ (followed by ‘evil’ and most recently, ‘worthless’) because that is what has been drummed into me by this church.
    But, ‘Father, forgive them, for they no not what they do.’ When we’ve been burned by our churches, it can be so hard to forgive them. But that’s what we have to do, because we’re sinners just like they are. They’re misguided and need Christ and God’s mercy just as much as us. They need His healing just as much as the ones they hurt.

    Make sure you all keep forgiving <3

    GB xx

  • Liz

    My family and I left a church when I was in junior high. There had been questions about the integrity of the pastor (and his commitment to his wife – some disturbing information came in from the church he left to come to ours) and he started preaching about some pretty strange stuff… stuff that did not align with the gospel and was a little weird. We stayed at this church months after the church began to split because my parents were part of a committee looking into what had been going on. My friend and I were terrified of this pastor. He had always been extremely friendly, and now we were afraid to be alone with him on the same floor of the church.
    We eventually did leave, and the church we ended up going to (and still go to) is wonderful. But it took me years to start to trust pastors again. Even when I headed off to college, I still had this sort of cynicism and doubt that was so difficult to push past… pastors are people you are supposed to be able to trust. And I don’t know how long it will take for me to really do that.

  • Faith

    I’ve seen everything you could possibly see in a church. I wish my story was different. The lesson I had to learn is that forgiveness doesn’t always mean restoration. If someone refuses to change you gotta remove yourself from the situation.

  • Kay

    I am contemplating leaving our church. I have served 2 years in many ways. I felt like I had found a family. In the last six months the pastor has all but stopped preaching the word. He tells stories and antidotes and rarely has a point to any sermon. He has driven off nearly all of our members by his abusive and combative way he talks to people. He has put us way behind on the rent yet still takes his usual pay check. He yelled from the pulpit last Sunday because a baby was crying during his prayer and said God gave him the authority to correct any of our children. He has lost his cool on several instances and he never lets you talk. He talks over you and tells you that what you are feeling is wrong. My heart is broken over this. I love our church and have prayed endlessly for it. I just don’t know what else to do.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=712793391 Kristi Ottmar

    I grew up in an amazing, safe place, I was in a great life group, got married right there, center stage, but a few years ago my pastor had an affair and left the church. I was crushed, I wanted to respect him, to honor him, but I was hurt, he hurt my people, he hurt his family, I adored this man, traveled on mission trips with him and his, counseled him, he married us, etc. He was instructed to make it all right, to repent, etc, he didn’t, they moved… new pastors were brought forth, my dear dear friends put our church back together, but I couldn’t go back. How could the man who counseled me to stay married cheat? How could the man who prayed with my that my husband would not take his own life, hurt his wife and kids in such a way. I never wanted to speak unkindly of him, I remember calling Tam Hodge and crying out to her, why, why……. We started going to another church but not regularly, we aren’t involved, we are at an arms length, we’ve reached out to the pastor and his family that left…. but its so awkward. I feel so out of water not being in a body, in a life group, serving every Sunday.

  • dawglover04

    I left church/ministry job because I was used up, chewed up, spit out and forgotten. Treated like an unclean leper once they were finished with me/ replaced me. It’s all business and appearances. My church is my wife and kids at my home,thats how it will remain.

  • http://www.facebook.com/george.scheide George Scheide

    Almost 30 years ago I was the convenient excuse some folks used for leaving our church. I was just a normal kid doing some normal teenage things but since I was the pastor’s son I evidently was to be above reproach. If you get the chance, check out this blog I posted last week. Please share it with any church leader or their kids who’ve struggled with this. I can happily say I am currently more in love with Jesus than I’ve ever been. I’m blessed to be part of Elevation Church and I really desire to help further the Kingdom! http://georgescheide.wordpress.com/2012/12/20/god-can-even-forgive-preachers-kids/

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